Nothing is more enjoyable for a writer than misbehaving celebrities. So in this week's column about the FIFA World Cup we'll be talking about middle fingers, butthurt twats and the match people predict to be the most boring football game in the history of FIFA. We'll be saying farewell to some brave nations and look forward to the next rounds.
Now let's see who wins this week's award for "cunt of the week". This one is not going to be easy but perhaps these two Swiss attackers deserve a nomination. That hand gesture apparently offends the other nominees: the Serbian fans. The gesture symbolizes the Albanian eagle. Now, you wonder what Albania has to do with all this?
All that bad blood reflects on and near the football fields. Granit Xhaka and Xherdan Shaqiri play for Switzerland but they both have roots in Kosovo and Albania. During the match they received racist remarks from Serbian fans, which apparently was a reaction to Xhaka and Shaqiri mentioning the troubled relationships between the countries in interviews. The footballers celebrated their goals with the Albanian eagle, which was a huge bite in the butt for the Serbians. Eventually, both players have been fined by the FIFA for this gesture, claiming politics don't belong in football.
Political butthurt should not be a part of the World Cup but since we're merely humans, it's there. "We're not getting a penalty because we're African". "The VAR ignores us because we're Muslims". "Ronaldo and Messi can do anything they like and not be reprimanded". "Whéééé whéééé whéééé." Every little error is played out to be racist, political, offensive, religious or degenerating. Meanwhile, the gays wonder what the hell is going on. Now they feel ignored.
Four years ago it were the referees, this time the VAR is the most discussed item on and near the battlefields. But imagine being put into a job that doesn't exist yet. They put you in there, give you a bunch of tasks and count on you to observe everything correctly. There is no predecessor to ask for advice. There is no real chief in staff, just another guy who has no idea what he's doing.
Diego doubled Robbie's middlefinger. I hope Robbie isn't too pissed off about that. That match between Nigeria and Argentina was exciting but the real show happened in the VIP area. Maradona's neck hurt and he had two glasses of wine but to 99.98% of the viewing population he was completely wasted on cocaine.
Plenty of people say that Denmark versus France was the most boring match on this World Cup so far. Others speculate that England versus Belgium will even top that. Already dubbed "the most boring match ever", this one will definitely be one for the ages. Why you'd better take a nap during this match? Well, let me explain.
We have the Premier League going up against the best players of the Premier League. That is one of the most exciting competitions in football. It makes Belgian professional football look like an episode of Samson & Gert. So now, finally, after ninety six billion centuries, Belgians can prove that they're better than the English. No buddy, our team is not going to play to lose, even if that means a rougher route to the finale. Do you think the fans will accept that? Thousands of flags, shirts, hats, phone covers and other environmentally endangering merchandise would be burned in the streets if Belgium would play to lose. Plus, we'd make Nainggolan our only Red Devil for Euro 2020.
You know, those guys from Manchester City, guys like Kyle Walker, Vincent Kompany, Kevin De Bruyne and Raheem Sterling. They probably have a Whatsapp group with their club. They're probably sending messages right now. What do you think they're sending one another? Do you think they're trash-talking? Teasing each other? Begging?
Walker: @Kevin, well, Courtois is used to picking balls out of his goal when you're on the pitch. We'll make him bend over like a Kardashian.
Kevin: Haha, fat chance, we got Romelu. He knows how to catch a long ball and do something useful with it.
Walker: Hah, we got Kane. He'll destroy you.
Kevin: Kane? We'll lock him up in Fellaini's hair.
Kyle: It'll be like playing Chelsea again, but with Tottenham's defense. Can't be that hard.
Raheem: I passed Alderweireld before, I can do it again.
Kevin: @Raheem, that's the only pass you'll ever succeed in.
Vincent: Come on guys, take it easy before someone gets hurt.
So what is yet to come? We have had a pretty surprising and interesting World Cup so far. Son Heung-Min probably doesn't need to go to the army. Although, I do think Son should send some Korean fans as a thank you to Manuel Neuer.
Right, I'm going to eat a pizza and watch some more people getting butthurt in group E. I really hope they do bunnies instead of eagles this time so nobody should get offended...