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So what do you think about Laibach playing live in North Korea?

21/8/2015

Some people have been asking me that question in the past few days, and I always replied 'I dunno'. Often I try to get out of the discussion with a little joke like 'well, good we didn't send Lady Gaga to represent Western music', whatever 'Western music' might be. By the way, Lady Gaga is an Iron Maiden fan, that's pretty cool. So yes, I avoid that discussion because it would be another one of those stupid dialogues of what is right and what is not. I know Laibach got a lot of criticism bacause of these concerts and I get it, it's not really a good idea to send a band with a fascist image to a country that seems to be a fan of a totalitarian regime.

However, everybody is a fan of a totalitarian regime if he can be the leader of it, right?

I actually know too little of North Korea to form a decent opinion about the country. One on hand, they are said to be a war mongering nation with ballistic missiles and nuclear weapons. Yet, aren't we exactly the same? On the other hand they would be a stubborn nation trying to protect the culture norms and values which seem lost in the rest of the world. However, they were very fond of 'The Sound Of Music', a movie about a family escaping from Nazi Germany.

Personally, I care less about Laibach than about North Korea. Sure, it's a cult band with a huge following of people who claim that others 'do not understand what the band is all about'. Sure, I danced my ass off to 'Tanz With Laibach' and I played it often when I was a DJ in the goth-subculture. Yet, that song is the best one in their arsenal. I listened to several others of their own songs and none of them was anywhere near interesting. Their covers are gruesome versions of songs no one in that specific subculture even likes.

I've seen them live at Incubate, for two minutes, then went to another concert before watching two more minutes. I couldn't be bothered with their sound, nor image. I'm not even going into the discussion whether they are fascists or a parody on fascism. That's the exact same discussion as the ones about professional wrestling and just as useless. "Either you 'get' Laibach or you're an idiot", that's the fans version. "You like Laibach so you're fascist scum" is the general opinion.

It was an outrageous party...

I think for Laibach themselves, this was first and foremost a commercial opportunity. They didn't go to North Korea for free, that's for sure. Maybe they'll wrap it into a 'cultural unification' blanket or something but believe me, there was a lot of money involved in this deal. They were quite polite as well by not mentioning the nuclear program or the second world war. In fact, they were so friendly they didn't even play their own songs.

According to a list I found on BBC, they played covers from 'The Sound Of Music', and their own horrendous versions of 'Life Is Life' by Opus and 'The Final Countdown' from Europe. Oh, and a traditional Korean folk song. Man, I would be insulted if Laibach comes over here and plays 'Al Die Willen Te Kaapr'ren Varen'*, especially in their own, 'unique' style.

Like every band, Laibach is trying to find new ways to attract an audience for their music and if that includes shocking the world in an Andy Kaufman-like fashion, so be it. In a way, this is quite similar to 'shocking' behaviour Miley Cyrus' twerking or Janet Jackson's 'nipplegate'. Just a way to attract attention.

They now got the attention of the international media who spent pages about this whole deal while there's so much other news that people want to, and should, know. The whole media frenzy for this deal has gone so out of hand that it looks like they're trying to derive our attention from other, more important, things. Or is that the conspiracy-theorist in me speaking again?

*(this is a Flemish folk song about bearded people on boats. You can listen to a version here)

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Rik Stalknecht - Stand-up comedian with stage fear

5/8/2015

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My name is Rik Stalknecht, which is a lie. My name isn't Rik Stalknecht at all. I just adopted this name because it would sound funny when someone who doesn't speak Dutch tries to pronounce it. I know, I'm a bit of an asshole sometimes but there's a good reason for that. I consider myself a decent human being and there's no way of knowing unless you experience the exact opposite. Good vs bad, it's a continuous battle for balance in the universe and we all go through this war, multiple times in our lives. The Catholic Church considers themselves good human beings and see how many people they've killed throughout history. In fact, they're such decent people that we actually still live in the dark ages.

Anyway, sorry about that, my writings often turn into rants. I'm afraid you'll have to get used to that if you want to read my articles. Besides, that's what most of my collegues do. My collegues are people like Louis CK, the late George Carlin, Youp Van't Hek and Marc Maron, to name a few. Yes, I am a stand-up comedian but no, you will probably never see me perform. Unlike the people I mentioned earlier, I have a little handicap, named 'stage fear'. It's one of the worst things for a stand-up comedian to have. If you're a musician and you have stage fear, you can always go to studio work and become someone like Jim Johnston, who writes and records music for WWE. However, as a stand-up comedian, it's very hard to find jobs if you're afraid of performing live.

So what is this 'stage fear'? Well, many people are nervous before going on stage and doing their thing. Some of those people actually do that only once in their life. Or better, they don't get on stage at all. These people collapse under the self-afflicted pressure and become sick to their stomach, right before showtime. They're not nervous, they're terrified. For no reason whatsoever, we know that but we can't help it. As soon as the announcer mentions our name, we're puking our guts all over the floor before fainting in a puddle of our own vomit and blood. Minutes later we're in an ambulance, asking ourselves how the hell we got there. Unless you're Slipknot or Gwar, this is not a very good stage act.

For years I've been trying to fight this stage fear but it's a tedious task. It's way easier for an atheist to convert a muslim to judaism that it is for a guy like me to step on stage. As a musician in a band I tried so hard to make it work. I'll never forget that gig we had. A huge audience of thirteen people, including the two other bands that played that night. I took some drugs, which were given to me by some guy I hadn't seen before. It tickled for a while but when it kicken in, boy was I ready to go out and be the best damn guitar player I could ever be. The intro was playing and I stood there, adrenaline flowing like a madman. I had written that intro, it was good. Soft soundscapes faded in, became louder and louder. Then deep dark low keyboards were added, pronouncing impending madness. A strobo flashed above the drums. Nine seconds, eight, seven, six...

Then a flash of white light blinded all of us. When the flash was over, the audience watched me slamming the microphone stand with my guitar - what I saw was a huge spider trying to ley her eggs inside my belly. Appearantly, right before our singer would scream the opening "Dieeeeeeeeeeeeee", I puked in his mouth so he got sick and puked all over the front line (both people were hit). The bassplayer slipped and broke his arm and the drummer quickly drove away with his car. I don't remember it that well; I got a complete blackout. We never became a succes.

I tried again, a year later. This time with a solo project. Just me and my machines. I know it's cheating but what can possibly go wrong when you only need to press 'play' and than pretend you're busy with doing all of this live? Well, I blacked out again, which resulted in a burnt down venue. My vomiting, sweating and bleeding out of my nose while pushing over a glass of beer in my fall, created a short circuit, killed four people and got two more in the hospital.

Yes, six people. It would bring the total amount of people I killed, injured or disgusted with my music to a whopping 24. So I decided that carreer to be over. Actually, I'm glad about that. Imagine what could have happened if I played in front of a sold out stadium. I would have been a mass murderer, a guitar player in the only real 'death metal' band. Thousands of people dead because of my freefloating bodily fluids. It would make an awesome video clip but it's a pretty bad publicity stunt.

So that was the end of that, but the handicap would have several other consequences. My first marriage ended before it even started. When the priest asked us on his 'stage', I ran off in a blind craze. they found me three days later behind an old grave in a cemetary, three villages away. One time I was at a benefit for my nephew and I won someting with the bingo they had organised. When the announcer called my name, everything went blank and I roamed in the local forest for a week.

Needless to say that my stage fear thus had a little handicap-like effect on my life. To me, a podium is a torture device, manufactured to break my spirit and to squeeze out every last drop of fluid I have inside me. The last time I tried, I realised I had to find something new. By that time I changed from music to comedy and I was asked for a local gig with some friends. Mind you, this was not a gig at all. This was just a bunch of friends pretending to do stand up comedy. It were the exact same five guys that I used to hang out with in those days. They're not my friends anymore. I'm not even sure if they are still alive today.

So, that's it for now. I'm a stand-up comedian with near fatal stage fear. Thank you, God, for really improving my life with that combination. I'm like a pornstar with an erectile dysfunction, or a skinhead who doesn't really hate anything. I'm terrified of travelling too, by the way.

When the owners of this website asked me to do something for them, I couldn't really say "no". It were these people who actually found me when I was hiding behind the grave. Don't ask me what they were doing on a cemetary in the middle of the night. I, too, would be much rather there than on the main stage of Pukkelpop, that's for sure. We became friends after we got used to each other's weird aspects, and writing for them is pure fun. When they said "you're going on a world tour without setting a foot out of your appartment and you'll never have to open your mouth", I was sold. I'm not really sure how many people will read all of this but hey, you gotta start somewhere... and then start over somewhere else again, and again, and again...

Rik

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So what do you think about Laibach playing live in North Korea?

Rik Stalknecht - Stand-up comedian with stage fear

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