So before I take a nostalgic trip along impossible romance avenue, I'll admit that my biggest crush ever has been Christina Ricci. Her appearance in movies like The Adams Family and Monster haunted my romantic daydreams. Then again, I think she was every dark soul's wet dream. But, like I mentioned, this list is for the musical crushes, equally unreachable, obviously.

I was fifteen years old when this song was released. Back then we had a video recorder which I used to record my favorite video clips. This song and 'Heaven Is A Place One Earth' were on all of those tapes. I was a young rocker so I loved the guitars on these tunes, but - obviously - I loved to look at Belinda Carlisle even more.

Two years earlier, my preference towards redheads was being born. When Tiffany released a rework of the 1967 Tommy James & The Shondells hit 'I Think We're Alone Now', my pubes started growing, for real!!! Later on I started to despise everything electronic and artificial, so no Samantha Fox, Sabrina or Kylie for me.

Prince knew to pick the women for his backing band. I was thirteen when 'Waterfall' came out so the ladies were above the legal age limit, but that didn't stop me from shaking my behind on this fine piece of music.

What's better than one woman? Yes, four women. Four women who can shred their guitars, bang their drums and sing their lungs out. I guess early nineties is where I truly decided to become a rock fan. I quickly lost interest in the hair metal style but these girls did inspire me to look back in time, to rockers before the eighties.

Ok ok, I admit, Tia Carrere is an actress but look at this, swinging the bass and The Sweet's 'Ballroom Blitz' in every rocker's favorite movie (before School Of Rock), Wayne's World. Sweet.

Who, you might ask? Well, since we're on the topic of both Asian women ànd female bass players, this girl stole my heart somewhere in the nineties or so. She and her band Melt Banana also stole my eardrums and my knowledge that music has boundaries.

When 'Barracuda' was released I was merely three years old, but thanks to the magic of MTV and the record collection of the local library, I eventually got acquainted with rock legends Heart. I was a massive fan of their 'Alone' hit, but 'Barracuda' is simply a stunning rock song.

Around my eighteenth birthday, 'Human Behavior' by Icelandic sirene Björk came out. Gone was my disregard towards electronic music. Of course, I knew her for her work with Sugarcubes. Oh well, yeey, Björk.

During my metal and goth phase the girls in the audience became more important than the ones on stage. Although Siouxsie, Sharon Den Adel and Elizabeth Fraser were talented women in their own right, I chased the goth girls. That changed when Arch Enemy put Angela Gossow behind the microphone. Suddenly death metal was sexy again, without losing the balls. Awesome.

However, in all my metallic history, my upper-crush has been Anneke Van Giersbergen and her breathtaking work with The Gathering. In my opinion, Anneke embodied not only the enchanting vocals of what we called gothic metal, but also the "naturel" and maturity of a seasoned artist. Today, she is married to one of the drummers of my all-time favorite band, Rob Snijders of Kong. That's one fine musical marriage in The Netherlands.

Right, those were some of my teens & twenties crushes. You can comment yours below, or not, I don't mind. 

​Serge

Over the course of Dunk! history Zottegem has seen and heard some mesmerizing post rock bands. Inspired by forerunners like Godspeed, Explosions and Mogwai a wide array of acts have pushed the "typical" sound over the meadow. Yet, in my personal opinion, Dunk is no place for smashers like that, not only because they're too expensive for an intimate festival but also because the tickets will sell-out in no time to people who don't really care about the other bands, thus leaving the loyal Dunk! audience in the cold. No, Dunk is the place for Russian Circles, God Is An Astronaut, Mono and This Will Destroy You. Everything bigger than that can go do Cactus Festival or Werchter. 

Besides, what makes Dunk! such a stand-out is the vast amount of overall quality which turns a young, nervous band like The End Of The Ocean, Radare or Spoiwo into a world class performance act, let's not forget about that. Undoubtedly, in 2019 there will be plenty of bands with that classic post rock sound. Perhaps one or two of the previously mentioned bands will make a glorious return, since I read that they're both working on new material. Same goes for Cecilia::Eyes and Astodan. With those last two, we remain on Belgian territory and since Amenra climbed the Dunk! stage we all know what Belgians are capable of. 

Should Amenra return? That question has been on a lot of people's lips in the past few years. If that means that CHVE and Syndrome do solo performances at the forest stage I'm all in. Besides, an acoustic full-band set at the forest stage would also be wonderful. I'd actually rather see that: their version of 'Het Dorp' in the forest. The goosebumps would be tremendous, no doubt. 

Since we moved to the forest stage really early in this article, I see some neat possibilities there. Calm, soothing ambient sounds at night, not too loud but loud enough for everybody in the area to dream away on meandering soundscapes. People spread out on the forest floor, sailing on the drones of Biosphere, Eluvium or Helios. In fact, you don't even have to go abroad to find some decent ambient acts. Just ask Ashtoreth or Stratosphere to host one evening in the forest and it will be magical, I swear to whatever you believe in. Or have Dave Grohl play a thirty minutes drones set, that would also be fucking sweet.

It doesn't always have to be calm and soothing. A while ago I read that there's something new from I Am Waiting For You Last Summer. They were a fun surprise a few years back. Dance music and post rock can go pretty well together. With that, acts like Tycho, Yppah, Jon Hopkins and Nicolas Jaar/Darkside could bring a state of ecstasy to the big tent. So can Worriedaboutsatan who have proved that in the past. And why not, back in the woods, invite a mindbending psychedelic rock band like Ozric Tentacles and dance the night away. It's rock and it's instrumental, that counts. Dutch proggers Kong also answer to those conditions and their career is far from over. I really really really really really like to see that happen, preferable of course in their quadrophonic set up, which will bring them back on the pedestal I've placed them on all those years ago.

​And since we're on the subject of being instrumental and rocking, why not let the inventor of the forest stage make a glorious return to Dunk!. Some years ago, Eric occupied the woods and with that Thisquietarmy changed the whole atmosphere of the festival. I recently witnessed his full-band performance at Antwerp Music City. If anyone can outperform the seismic shock of Telepathy last year, it's Thisquietarmy The Band. In his turn, Eric could invite Aidan Baker over and have an evening-filling program with Hypnodrone Ensemble, Caudal and Nadja. Of course, Telepathy is also very welcome to return, so I'd say: "who not both?". 

Heaviness. Are we ready for post black metal yet? Deafhaven? Sólstafir? Alcest? Drawn Into Descent? Little by little blast-beats and screams have been infiltrating the line-up, so who knows. Then again, I'm not sure if that's what the Dunk audience is waiting for. Perhaps they like their heaviness a bit slower but still crushing like a steamroller. That takes me to Melvins or Neurosis or Cult Of Luna or something by former Isis members. Here in Belgium that would open the door for Charnia, Hæster or Angakok. Crushing riffs that smash skulls to pieces. Or why not go wild with some sludgy stoner grunge rock. There too is plenty to choose from, with Belgian nutcrackers Tangled Horns being the first one that comes to mind. Perhaps they could take over where Steak Number Eight left.

Throughout the years, Dunk Festival evolved from a post rock festival to an allround atmospheric music event. There is plenty of variation to be found. Even (dark) jazz has a place there, with Dirk Serries and Tomas Jarmyr paving the way for bands like Radare and Bolt to shine and charm. That brings me to Dale Cooper Quartet and the Dictaphones, Bohren Und Der Club Of Gore, A Sun Amissa or The Thing With Five Eyes. I have no idea who is when available to be where but some jazz would be neat indeed. 

Yet, as we all know, Dunk's solid core is still post rock. I guess their own label will be represented with bands like Coastlands, Tides Of Man, Stories From The Lost and that mysterious Girih entity. Perhaps Celestial Wolves or Doomina will make a comeback, having a new album and all. That's all perfectly fine by me, but if I could make some suggestions, invite The Evpatoria Report, Glasgow Coma Scale, Toundra and Jet Plane. Plus, perhaps give Wanheda a shot. They're getting somewhere and with the vintage Dunk sound, all of these would be pure bliss.
​
​There are truckloads of decent post rock band to be found, more than enough to fill a thousand stages at a thousand Dunk festivals. I'm sure that the organisation will come up with some classics, some surprises and a lot of excellence. But, do you know what I'd secretly like, even more than seeing someone finally propose to his girlfriend on stage: a guided tour through the pressing plant. I think it takes guts and a massive pair of testicles to throw an idea like that into motion, especially in these rough financial times. Building a pressing plant was a serious risk and a tremendous undertaking and I'd like to see it in action. Don't you?

So anyway, before I crawl my tired ass to bed: there can and probably will be some amazing bands appearing on the line-up in the next months. I can't wait to go back to the fields of Zottegem and watch the splendor of music turn everyday strangers into close friends. Because that's pretty much what Dunk is all about: they true spirit of the festivals, as Woodstock or Jazz Bilzen initially were intended. Sweet get-togethers with sweet people and sweet music in one of Belgium's greenest environments. I'm looking forward to that. 


Serge

Kort daarna kwam ons landje in de greep van gemeenteraadsverkiezingen en leek de hele episode rond Consouling Sounds te verwateren. Maar ondertussen, in een stevige uiting van "kust onze kloten", ging er een eindje verderop een spiksplinternieuwe vinylpersfabriek open. De mannen van Dunk! hadden eerder ook al een mooie som centen aan hun neus voorbij zien gaan onder het motto "niet relevant", "geen geld meer voor". Toch hielden ze er niet mee op, integendeel. Als volleerde F35's schoten ze uit de startblokken en vlamden ze alle twijfels aan flarden. Zotte shit, ik weet het, maar uiteraard totaal niet relevant.

Het nieuws kwam eigenlijk niet eens als een verrassing maar het trof ergens wel het hart van de Belgische "underground". Er worden immers overal subsidies ingetrokken. Het geld is op, de put is te diep. "Het spijt ons maar na weloverwogen blabla hebben wij besloten blabla want u bent niet blabla." Zoiets. Vooral de melding "U levert geen kwaliteit" kwam als een tsunami over. Daarmee werd plots iedereen beledigd die van rock, metal, sludge, doom, post-rock, post-metal, ambient, dark ambient, dark jazz, drones, industrial, krautrock, alternative rock, indie pop, hardcore, punk, black metal, death metal, noise, gothic rock, modern classical,  post-hardcore, neofolk, downtempo, trip hop, electronic, crossover, progressive, noise, nu metal en grunge houdt. En dat zijn er wel wat.

Als er iets relevant is in deze maatschappij, dan is het toch wel de muziekwereld, niet? De frustratie, de pijn en de woede in onze metalscene, die gevoelens gaan over u, dames en heren politici, veel relevanter kan het toch niet zijn?  U zou verplicht moeten worden om al die songteksten eens goed te lezen, maar ik weet dat u het bos door het beton niet meer ziet dus daar zullen we u al niet mee lastig vallen. Niet relevant. Wie zijn dan wel relevant? K3? Kapitein Winokio? De Romeo's? Niks tegen die mensen maar het cognitieve niveau van hun doelgroep is net iets te laag om mijn volle vertrouwen te kunnen genieten.

Niet relevant. Er staan files omdat er optredens in het Sportpaleis zijn. Files zijn het meest voorkomende gespreksonderwerp in heel België.​ Als u touren zou afschaffen, zouden er minder files zijn, maar ik wil u niet op ideeën brengen. Als u latere treinen zou inleggen, zouden er ook minder files zijn, om u maar op een idee te brengen. Niks leuker dan na een avondje headbangen in Brussel in de trein te zitten mijmeren. Nagenietend van een fantastisch concert veilig naar huis gebracht worden door een betrouwbare trein- of busmaatschappij, dat is tof. Maar ik heb dan ook geen chauffeur.

Laten we gewoon lekker eerlijk zijn, dames en heren politici. U houdt gewoon niet zo van de muziekwereld. U interesseert zich geen moer voor wat de rockers, de metalheads en de alternatievelingen uitkramen, nietwaar? Al die gore onderwereldrotzooi is een ranzige ver-van-uw-bed-show waar u het bestaan liever van ontkent.  U vertrouwt hen niet, omdat zij u de indruk geven dat zij u eigenlijk nergens voor nodig hebben. En dat is ook zo. Daar in die concertzaal bent ù niet relevant, brengt ù geen kwaliteit, heeft ù geen geschiedenis. Daar spuwen jonge, meestal vrij intelligente en vrij aardige mensen, hun gal en daar delen zij de lakens uit. 

Nog zoiets. Geen geschiedenis. Consouling Sounds zet al tien jaar Belgische topacts op de kaart. Amenra trekt in Amerika meer volk dan eender welke politieke conferentie hier. Ook hier weer straalt het uit naar de hele underground. Antwerp Music City doet al vijfentwintig jaar zijn ding, tussen de door u o zo gevreesde vreemdelingen. Dat is langer dan de gemiddelde politieke carrière. Jazz Bilzen heeft iets losgemaakt hier, niet te schatten. Geen geschiedenis, wat een wereldvreemde nonsens. Toegegeven, de gemiddelde muzikant in België heeft geen handjes afgehakt omdat zijn roadies te traag waren, maar om ons nu geschiedenisloos te noemen vind ik wel een beetje ver gaan.

Lang geleden bouwden enkele Limburgse jongeren een podium. Ze wilden wel eens iets anders dan een vaandelzwaaifestival. Hun festivalletje werd een succes. Doorheen de jaren kwamen er grote namen op af, namen die geschiedenis zijn. Armand, Boudewijn de Groot, Wannes Van de Velde, Roland, Moody Blues, Taste, Rory Gallagher, Cat Stevens, Small Faces, The Move, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, The Kinks, The Troggs, Procol Harum, Golden Earring, The Bonzo Dog Band, Rod Stewart, Status Quo, Lou Reed, Aerosmith, AC/DC, The Cure, The Kids, Van Morrison, James Brown, Elvis Costello, The Police, Thin Lizzy, The Clash, Blondie en Nils Lofgren. Jazz Bilzen werd de "moeder aller festivals". Dàt hoort in de geschiedenisboeken want dàt heeft generaties geïnspireerd. 

België is het epicentrum van de Europese muziekindustrie. Elk dorp heeft zijn concertzaal, of tenminste een plek waar al eens een concertje kan doorgaan. Ik heb honderden artiesten ontmoet die maar al te graag in dit land willen spelen. Onze know-how is wereldberoemd. Ons publiek is geliefd tot in Maleisië. Ze zeggen wel eens, "hoe slechter het land draait, hoe beter de muziek wordt", enne, ik heb de laatste maanden en jaren toch een bende fantastische concerten van Belgische acts gezien. Gisteren vlamde Astodan door een lekker smeuïge set post-rock. Astodan ja, zegt u als politicus waarschijnlijk niets maar het is kwaliteit van Belgische makelij.

Het is allemaal wel waar wat ik hier neerschrijf, maar ik betwijfel of het ooit een zak uithaalt. Al sinds de jaren tachtig, toen ik mijn eerste schamele stapjes in de muziekwereld zette, merkte ik dat we liever doodgezwegen worden. Al eerder riepen punkers dat de kernraketten weg moesten, dat was toen relevant. Al eerder riepen musici op om het milieu te sparen, dat was toen relevant. Al eerder organiseerden rockers benefietconcerten tegen kanker, voor verdraagzaamheid, voor elkaar, dat was voor hen relevant. Maar dat is allemaal maar geneuzel van een bende marginalen, niet?

Als we dan toch een positieve noot aan onze geschiedenis willen geven, waarom dan onze muziekwereld niet erkennen en steunen? 


Serge

Dit stukje schreef ik op 16 augustus, na het zien van live beelden op facebook. Pukkelpop was weer volop op dreef om de krantenkoppen te halen, niet met een dodelijk onweer maar met een ongeziene reeks polonaises, knoppendraaiers en - godbetert- Willy Sommers. Mauro had de gekooide leeuw losgelaten en plots smolten Pukkelpop en Rimpelrock samen tot één gigantisch volksfeest. Allemaal goed en wel, ware het niet dat oude Pukkelrotten hun schoenzolen stonden op te vreten omdat de hele boel nu meer op een platte kermisfuif leek dan op een alternatief rock festival.

Volgens de commentaren leek Pukkelpop ineens veel meer op een live versie van de hele Soundcloud rap scene waar volgekribbelde schoolbankkoppen kwamen zaniken over drugs, bitches en kontgaatjes. Nu ja, die trend is al jaren bezig. Ooit voorspelde Jim Morrison dat mensen meer zullen gaan geven om DJ's dan om bands, en kijk, voor een doorgesnoven junk had Jim wel Nostradamische eigenschappen. Duizenden mensen in Kiewit wierpen zichzelf in de polonaise, ongetwijfeld aangestuurd door dé tophit van het jaar, 'Kind Van De Duivel'. 

Dat ik dat een meedogenloos zeiknummer vind, weet iedereen al. En dat ik heel het DJ gebeuren op festivals jammer vind, weten de meesten ook al. Allee ja, zelfs in de metal scene is het zover. Goe Vur In Den Otto headlinet meer festivals dan de gemiddelde metalband tegenwoordig, en waarom ook niet? Zo heb je lekker alle goede nummers en hoef je niet een half uur naar album-only rommel te luisteren. Je weet wel, die tussendoortjes tussen 'Enter Sandman' en 'Nothing Else Matters'. 

Wat ik vooral jammer vond was het feit dat een 100% Belgisch exportproduct als AmenRa het moest doen met een halfvolle marquee en met mensen die zichzelf interessant stonden te maken tijdens de rustige passages. "Kan de muziek wat stiller? Wij proberen hier een gesprek te voeren", dat soort slachtafval. Ik heb die ook gezien tijdens Massive Attack op Cactus festival, luid tetterend over de reis naar Mallorca en de strenge veiligheidsnormen die op vliegvelden gelden. Het respect is weg, zo simpel is het. Ooit stonden mensen vooraan het speeksel van Dave Grohl op te vangen, nu staan ze liedjes over Congo te zingen. 

Daarnet kreeg ik een vriendelijk mailtje van DJ Zinobe, een house DJ die me een beetje enerveerde op de meest recente editie van Willrock. Ik had er een stevige facebook-post aan gespendeerd waarna de DJ vroeg wat er mis was aan zijn set. Al snel drong het tot me door dat ik hier door mijn eigen mand aan het vallen was. Ik vertelde hem dat hij teveel intros gebruikte en dat hij best een nummer enkele minuten kon laten knallen. Een DJ moet het publiek uit de bol laten gaan en pas dan zijn technische kunsten tonen, net zoals een rockband best enkele snedige riffs uit hun mouw kan toveren en pas dan progressive begint te Dream Theater pingelen.

Maar plots besefte ik dat DJ Zinobe eigenlijk zowat hetzelfde deed als ik enkele tientallen jaren geleden. Hij probeerde. Hij wil DJ worden, net zoals ik een bekende gitarist wilde worden. En kijk, Zino speelt festivals en dancings plat en ik zit in mijn zetel commentaar te geven op zijn kunsten. Ik las mijn comment opnieuw. Eigenlijk was het een soort chauvinistisch verdedigen van mijn eigen winkel, eentje die gespecialiseerd is in alles wat Zino niet doet: rock, metal, ambient, jazz... 

Ik dacht, "ik ben een vakidioot" en "ik heb geen idee waar de hedendaagse muziekbeleving eigenlijk om draait". Maar de reactie van Zino op mijn bericht verbaasde mij nog meer. In een wereld vol haat, wantrouwen en galspuwerij koos Zino ervoor om eerlijke feedback te vragen, zichzelf vriendelijk voor te stellen en mijn tip mee te nemen naar volgende optredens. Daar zat ik dan, de eeuwig positieve muziekreviewer, verbijsterd door een jonge gast die eigenlijk gewoon liefst zijn eigen pad wil bewandelen.

Ben ik jaloers? Zijn alle analoge muzikanten jaloers op het succes van DJ's? Misschien wel. Anderzijds ben ik iemand die liever met zijn eigen werk op het podium staat dan dat van andere mensen, maar ook dat blijkt gewoon de mening van een enkeling. Er zijn tegenwoordig zelfs coverbandfestivals, waar je naar imitaties van Guns 'N Roses, Queen or Pink Floyd kan gaan kijken. Het origineel doet er steeds minder toe. Dus neen, ik ben niet jaloers, alleen een beetje melancholisch.

En hoe kan het eigenlijk ook anders? Wij, oude rotten in het vak, weten dat muziek alles kan overstijgen, zèlfs de mensen die de muziek maken. De technologie staat bijna ver genoeg om de mens uit de muziek te halen. Er bestaan schijnbaar al 100% door artificiële intelligentie gemaakte tracks, gebaseerd op de maat, tonen en timbre van wereldberoemde tophits. Muziek heeft ons niet nodig, andersom wel. Dio is dood maar tourt nog steeds, leg dat maar eens uit aan de gemiddelde festivalneanderthaler. Nu goed, wellicht zal die neanderthaler er gewoon doorheen lullen, zijn bakkes enkel dichthoudend tijdens het nemen ener selfie.

Ik denk dat we het best gewoon kunnen aanvaarden. Zoals ik ooit droomde op om het podium van Rock Werchter te staan, zo droomt Zino over Tomorrowland. Eerlijk? Ik gun het hem. Ik ga niet kijken want het geheel zal mijn rockhart genadeloos irriteren maar ik zal hem wel horen vanop mijn terras. Hopelijk stuurt hij me dan nog een bericht met een foto van duizenden uitzinnige fans, wild dansend op zijn intros en op die paar knallende minuten die ik hem heb aangeraden. Ook dan zal ik niet jaloers zijn, ook niet als hij plots een megahit scoort. Zino is een toffe pee, een hard werkende muzikale technicus en een mens met dromen, meer moet dat eigenlijk niet zijn.


​Serge

Eerst voelde het een beetje raar. Tenslotte ben je toch iemand anders zijn rotzooi aan het opruimen. Sommige voorbijgangers dachten dat we een werkstraf gekregen hadden. Ja, misschien wel, gestraft voor iemand anders zijn wangedrag. Die mensen keken overigens raar op wanneer we hen vertelden dat we vrijwilligers waren. Vol ongeloof staarden ze ons aan, en vice versa. Toch geeft heel dat zwerfvuil opruimen een stevige dosis voldoening. De voor- en na- foto's zijn soms adembenemend en elke volle zak is toch weer een prestatie. Daarnaast is elke volle zak ook een stevige trap in de kloten van de vervuilers, althans, zo voelt het aan. Het beloningsmechanisme in onze hersenen draait op volle toeren, zoveel is zeker.

Door dat vrijwilligerswerk ben ik alerter geworden op zwerfvuil. Het is één van de dingen die me het snelst opvalt. Tijdens wandelingen in parken, wanneer ik wacht op de tram, wanneer ik een festival binnenkom... altijd springt die vuiligheid in mijn oog. Zoals steeds meer mensen kan ik er ook steeds minder vaak tegen. Soms wordt het zelfs een storende factor. Daarbij begint het tegenwoordig echt wel de spuigaten uit te lopen. Flessen, blikjes, luchtmatrassen, vakantieliefjes, tenten, stoelen, tafels... alles wordt tegenwoordig zomaar achtergelaten. Vooral op grote evenementen kan je perfect gave kampeerspullen tegenkomen, genoeg om duizenden vluchtelingen op te vangen.

Als ik dit fenomeen vanuit een maatschappelijk en economisch standpunt bekijk, verbaast het me eigenlijk niet eens meer. Alles lijkt een beetje uit de hand te lopen. Een gemiddeld festival, ticket plus eten plus drinken, kost tegenwoordig meer dan een week in Dubai. Het is amper nog te betalen door de aardbeienplukkende jobstudent. Ten tweede worden er op Werchter, Tomorrowland, Cactus Festival en Pukkelpop meer selfies genomen dan noten muziek gespeeld. Grote festivals zijn een beetje een elite-event geworden, iets waar het meer draait om Instagram- volgers dan om bands, maar goed, dat moeten zij weten. Feit is wel dat die elite voornamelijk bestaat uit jonge snaken die met jonge bimbo's in geleasede Audi's rondtoeren. Daags voor het festival rijden de meesten nog eventjes langs de AS Adventure om wat duurzame wegwerptroep te kopen. Zo gaat dat tegenwoordig.

Na het festival zijn ze moe, uitgeput, leeg en op. En dat is ook volkomen logisch. Die mensen zijn het niet gewend om te moeten stappen. Hun leven speelt zich af op hun zitvlak of in dat van die jonge bimbo. Een gemiddeld festival vergt toch al zo'n 10 kilometer per dag, vraag maar aan mijn stappenteller. Dat is vermoeiend, zeker als er dan ook nog eens minder dan 12 uur slaap per dag bijkomt, alsook de afkick van de coke en speed en bollen of dacht u dat de flikken dat allemaal netjes in de hand hadden? Dus die jongetjes en meisjes zijn te moe om hun tent op te ruimen, dat is volkomen begrijpelijk. Daarnaast betalen ze al genoeg dus kan de organisatie toch ook wel zorgen voor de properheid van het geheel, wat is me dat nu?

Maar goed, dat zijn de verwende nestjes op de grote festivals. Op kleine evenementen is het toch een heel stuk beter, niet? Wel, soms. Aan de ene kant vind ik die kleine, recycleerbare flesjes van Coca Cola, Fanta en Nestea beter dan die fantasieloze plastic pinten maar anderzijds heb ik gisteren een nogal fors gebouwde dame over zo'n flesje zien uitglijden. Gelukkig was haar nog forser gebouwde partner paraat om erger te voorkomen. Toch toont het de onverschilligheid die er dezer dagen over het hele festivalgebeuren hangt en dat is doodzonde. Te meer omdat het anders kan. Ik en duizend andere mensen hebben dat mogen meemaken in Zottegem, waar Dunk! festival het properste evenement aller tijden is geworden.

Wat Dunk! anders doet? Ze gebruiken herbruikbare bekers. Ze zetten voldoende vuilnisbakken neer, ook op de camping. Die vuilnisbakken worden regelmatig leeggemaakt en vervangen. Dunk! is kleinschalig genoeg om eten in échte borden en met écht bestek te serveren. Maar het grootste geheim schuilt in de mentaliteit van het publiek. Afval wordt wel degelijk opgeruimd. Weinig of niets komt op de grond terecht en de prachtige groene omgeving van het festival wordt met veel respect behandeld. Een absoluut voorbeeld. Daarbij, dat publiek krijgt nog eens een onvergetelijke festivalervaring in de plaats. 

Die mentaliteit heeft te maken met spiegelneuronen, het zogenaamde "monkey-see-monkey-do" principe. Als jij je campingstekje als een afvalberg achterlaat, is de kans groot dat die naast jou dat ook gaat doen. Festivals waar vrijwilligers na elk optreden eventjes met de keerborstel door de tent gaan, zijn beduidend properder dan evenementen waar dat niet gebeurt. Er spoelen potvissen aan met stukken tentzeil in hun maag. Het mag wel eens stoppen nu. 


​Serge

I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but here in Belgium Tournée Minérale kicked off yesterday. Tournée Minérale is one of those awareness-months initiatives, such as 30 Days Without Meat, Music For Life and many more. It's organised by the foundation against cancer and challenges people to not drink alcohol for a whole month.

Many people join in on the fun so I thought that this would be an excellent opportunity to abuse the system and promote ourselves with another selection of applicable tunes. After all, that is what we do best. So go grab a glass of water, snort some cocaine or eat a handful of mushrooms, as long as you do not drink alcohol this month. Or better, get yourself a nice cup of coffee and chew some celery. 

I'm kidding, do whatever you want but always ensure safety for you and those around you. I just wanted to make a list with Tool's 'Sober' in it, that's all. 

There we go. Admit it, this is a brilliant piece of music by a tremendously talented band. This was the first song that came to mind when I heard about Tournée Minérale. The stop-motion animation still gives me the chills. 

Originally recorded in 1999 and re-recorded to close his latest album 'Alcohology', 'Erosion' handles "The thoughtful statements of the gain and dangers of the consumption of alcohol (),  the impact fluids have, not only on the human body but also on Mother Earth itself." 

Today, he's probably best known for his long-living stint as Clement Peerens Explosition but Hugo Matthysen has been playing sweet and funny rock tunes since the late seventies. On 'Alcohol' he gives a few examples about people's behaviour while drunk.

If there is any good reason not to get too drunk, it's this one. I mean, imagine: somehow after a wild party you end up in bed with a beautiful young blonde, willing to satisfy your every need. You get naked and you look down. There you see that your little friend is not cooperating. Your willie is already passed out cold. Not a fun evening if you ask me.

This song appeared on Lamb Of God's album 'As The Palaces Burn'. It is about the struggle of vocalist Randy Blythe with alcohol addiction. ​"Sweetly she draws me into her arms, a liquid embrace to chase the day away. Sedate numb deaf and dumb, stumbling into solitude".

During Underworld gigs, many fans would raise their beer while Karl Hyde sang the words 'Lager Lager Lager Lager'. Actually, this horrified him because this song is a cry for help. He wrote it after a night of heavy drinking in a Soho club during his battle with alcoholism.

Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy wrote his "Twelve-step Suite", a set of songs which represent the Twelve Step program used by Alcoholics Anonymous. The songs were spread across five albums and dedicated to Bill Wilson, the founder of AA.

One day while recording 'Born Again', then Black Sabbath vocalist Ian Gillan got wasted and decided to race a few laps on a nearby race track. Their management had bought them these cars to have a little fun in between recording sessions but Gillan's took the wrong one (Bill Ward's) and eventually flipped it over, totally thrashing the vehicle. 

Many people might see Blink 182 as a fun punk rock band but they do have some messages to spread. This song for example is about finally giving up on a friend with a severe alcohol problem. 

Metal has always been associated with alcohol abuse with many songs about the substance. This one by proto-doomers Saint Vitus describes the vicious cycle of heavy drinking, feeling horrible and getting drunk to ease the pain.

I wonder if that friend Blink 182 was talking about also strongly denied his alcohol addiction. Amy Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning in 2011. 'Rehab' is possible her greatest hit, dealing with denial. Apparently, she went into rehab for 15 minutes just to be able to tell her label that she went to rehab. Perhaps Amy Winehouse is today's perfect example about how not to deal with addiction.

Blues legend Muddy Waters was no stranger to the bottle. Then again, blues is usually rather whiskey soaked. "Whiskey you ain't no good I declare I'm thru with you. Whiskey you ain't no good I declare I'm thru with you. You have taken all my money. You have taken my baby too".

Dave Gahan has been battling alcoholism for years. This song deals with the idea one of "just one glass" before everything goes wrong again. 

In this skit from 1977, Waits imitates a drunkard, spouting nonsense phrases. ​The song was performed on the short-lived US television show, Fernwood 2 Night in 1977.

And we finish this list with a Nederhop tune by legendary rappers Osdorp Posse. This song handles the ups and down of alcohol consumption and addiction.

There you go, fifteen songs that should help you through this Tournée Minérale month. On March first, we might publish a list of drinking songs to help you celebrate a month of not-drinking but maybe by then I'd find that a little hypocritical. Anyway, whatever you do, take good care of yourself and remember to enjoy in moderation...


​Serge

The year 2017 is coming to an end. Magazines everywhere are coming up with the inevitable end-year lists and I somehow feel obliged to do something similar. I also asked the other Merchants Of Air members to send in a list or an article if they want to. That's the beauty of  working for Merchants Of Air: you don't have to. 
Personally, I'm not very fond of end-year lists. For starters, I don't even know all the albums that have been released in 2017. There are still hundreds, if not thousands, waiting to be reviewed. Many of them will not make it, unfortunately. We're severely understaffed you know.

Second, I think in 2017 my focus shifted from many different music reviews to one bmassive music review, because, quite frankly, that is what "Cecilia's World" really is. I spent the majority of the year writing it and then it had to be prepared for release, which was a frustrating and lengthy task. But when I could finally lay my hands of a copy of my own debut novel, I was proud and pleased. Writing a book has always been one of the major goals in my life and I wrote a good one. I did. Just ask the people who have read it. Just read the reactions. In fact, last night my most judgicial friend said "Cecilia's World is a damn good debut". This really meant a lot to me because this guy is brutally honest. So yes, 'Cecilia's World' is my biggest accolade this year.

So I have been browsing Merchants Of Air to refresh my musical memory. It actually gave me a headache. "Do I have to choose from all of these?", was my initial thought, followed by "this is impossible". However, if found something interesting. There seems to be a common ground for many of 2017's best albums. Just look at this list.

Bathsheba - Servus
Ashtoreth - Morana
AmenRa - Mass VI
Emptiness - Not For Music
All We Expected - Hatàr
Wiegedood - De Doden Hebben Het Goed II
Ilydaen - Veil
Monnik - Bedevaart
Marginal - Total Destruction
Marco Bailey - Temper

From doom metal to drone ambient and from black metal to post-rock and even techno, Belgium wins 2017. Bathsheba delivered the doom metal album of the year in January. AmenRa conquered the post-metal scene (again) and All We Expected managed to showcase the sound of the great ones. Our drone ambient scene has never been so alive, Ashtoreth and Monnik just being two examples of the brilliance our country possesses. Let's not forget about Dirk Serries and his massive influence on the ambient and jazz scenes 

In the extreme musical regions we find Marginal who delivered one of the best grind/crust albums I have ever heard and Wiegedood continue their path of blackened destruction. Furthermore, as we Belgians are known for our huge history of electronic dance music, Marco Bailey has once again shown the world how techno should sound. Our musicians do a way better job than our politicians, law enforcers and civil servants together. So I'll just go ahead and say that Belgium produced the best albums of 2017. There you have it.

That doesn't mean that the other countries suck, far from it. Our neighbours delivered some neat stuff too. In the Netherlands, Dead Neanderthals threw some awesome albums in our mailbox. They single handedly altered the future of jazz music. MNHM delivered an astonishing album with 'Of Empires Past' and Wrok's 'De Onheilsbode' is just pure evil. But awesome music came from everywhere, literally all over the planet. India turned out to have a huge underground metal scene with plenty of amazing albums coming through.

Oh well, let's just face it. From a musical standpoint 2017 was a fantastic year. Other remarkable albums came from Monophona, Bolt, Dale Cooper Quartet and the Dictaphones, Dictaphone, Samael, Moonspell, ... Just read our reviews....

Ok, my ego wants the first paragraph in this part of my overview. Like all people, I love being right. Like when I was right when I said that Meniscus would be one of the top gigs at Dunk! Festival for example. However, there is one person who definitely made my year as far as me being right about an artist. I have seen him bloom, evolve from a being decent mid-carter to delivering one of the best drone/ambient performances I have ever seen. Me and a handful of people witnessed Stratosphere rise above himself. For years I have known he had it in him and it finally came out. The future looks good for Ronald.

Besides, Thisquietarmy was highly impressive too that same evening. His was another top-10 gig. For once, let's make an actual list.

Stratosphere (Palazzo)
Spirit Valley (Desertfest)
Thisquietarmy (Palazzo)
Bohren Und Der Club Of Gore (Het Bos)
Bonobo (Brussels)
Bathsheba (Rodeofest)
O Yuki Conjugate (Ampère)
Lord Kesseli and the Drums (Antwerp Music City)
The Void Of Expansion (Dunk! Festival)
Meniscus (Dunk! Festival)
Yodok III / Barst / A-Sun Amissa (Consouling Night) | Trix

There, I think those have been the eleven most impressive gigs in 2017. Of course, there is more. I have also seen Drawn Into Descent evolve into a force to be reckoned with. I enjoyed many acts at Dunk!, Rodeo and Desertfest. Antwerp Music City and Het Bos have booked some amazing evenings. As you can see, most of these gigs happened in my hometown of Antwerp. You really don't need to go any further than Antwerp to witness some good concerts. 

That being said, unfortunately the good people behind Rodeofest recently decided to call it quits. One of the nicest festivals in Belgium is no more and I truly regret that. They were an inspiration, literally. So a word of thanks goes out to them. Let's hope someone else gets the brilliant idea of organising a festival in that beautiful fort.

I think for the majority, this website has been steadily flowing in 2017. Our number of visitors increased, even though fewer reviews have been published. We've been busy. 2017 was also the year where we finally decided that we cannot keep up with everything so we (or I) no longer stress over that aspect. However, Glauber joined in on the fun as the latest member of our crew. Like I always say, "the more the merrier". I'm sure that in the near future, he will take a lot of albums off my hands.

The absolute peak in article views of 2017 was the review for Amenra's 'Mass VI', followed by my Dutch column 'Kruishangerige Kuttenkovense Kerkkoe'. The latter certainly was a surprise. The rest of the top-10 is occupied by Brieviews, which is not a surprise since those contain several album reviews. Obviously more of these will come in the future. Over a hundred people watched the live stream of the Amenra release concert on our website. That was pretty cool too. 

Money talk. 2017 was the year in which Merchants Of Air finally became profitable. We've actually sold more t-shirts than ever before and some people have purchased our free compilation. With all expenses deducted, we made a profit of 20 euros, plus 2.61 more waiting on Amazon. Cool hé.

To be honest, there is not one album I'm specifically looking forward to. I know there are some interesting ones coming up but I'll just wait and see. I'll just let the music surprise me again. Same goes for Merchants Of Air. Maybe other writers will join, maybe not. Maybe more reviews will be published, maybe not.

On a personal standpoint, I'll try to continue what I'm doing now. I'll still publish heaps of reviews and articles and I'll try to combine that with a writing career. The first paragraphs of my next novel have been penned down. I can already promise you, it's going to be something very, very different from the sweet and joyous 'Cecilia's World'. 

We'll see.


Serge

It's true. We are spoiled. Living in or near a big city like Antwerp, Berlin, Seattle, Paris or Tokyo, you can go watch a band every day of the week. You can see any genre any time, either in petite basements or in massive arenas. In Summer, there is music everywhere. Festivals see thousands of people while another town engages in a musical pub-crawl. There are podia in parks, with orchestras playing classical music while you can headbang yourself into a coma in a murky bar three streets away. 

Not only the amount of musical activities has increased, so have the technical abilities. Dunk! festival in Zottegem comes up with perfect sound and an incredible light show, not bad for a small (but legendary) festival. Hell, even Dio is performing again, be it as a holographic gimmick. Not long from now you can probably go to a holo-festival with Lemmy, The Ramones, The Doors, Nirvana and Elvis Presley. It will be technically perfect, just soulless.

​So yes, we are spoiled and many of us have started to act that way which leads to frustration and anger for the die-hards. You are always welcome to join the fun. We, the old hands, welcome the newbies, as long as they behave. And with "behave", I'm not even talking about getting wasted on alcohol and drugs. We don't care about that. It's your life, ruin it like you want to. We just care about our concert-experience. So here are a few tips and tricks to make concerts fun for everyone.

Every metalhead knows what a moshpit is. Every hardcore fan has seen people jump off stages and into the crowd. Walls-of-death are rather common these days and the younger generation of musical extremists even invented their own little dance, an aggressive and somewhat retarded looking form of capoeira. These things look rather dangerous but they used to be safe.

Now, more and more venues and festivals forbid crowdsurfing and stagediving. Why? Well, apparently, some people think it is funny to step aside and see the fellow rock fan crash onto the floor. In my younger years, moshpits seized to exist when someone fell down. Now, some people try to stomp other moshers six feet underground. Suddenly people are getting injured during these habits while others seem to be annoyed by the happenings. The latter are mostly the old-hands, former crowdsurfers and moshers who for some reason have become concerned parents.

Whose responsibility is it to make a festival safe for those involved? Governments impose rather strict security regulations. There is always at least one first-aid team present. So organisers to their job. Actually, the first one responsible is you, the audience member, the one getting into the pit. You are responsible for your own safety and that of others. It is the same everywhere, in shopping streets, in church, in school, at work, at a gig. Just don't be a cunt, it can't be that hard. When someone falls, help him up. When someone is bleeding, take him to first-aid. That is not just a tip I'm giving you. You could actually get arrested for not helping people in need.

Another important aspect is hearing safety. Deafness and tinnitus are real and scary things. You do not want to spend your life with a constant bleeping in your brain. Again, that is your responsibility. Most organisers make earplugs available for free. Use them or step away from the speakers. I joke a lot but this I'm serious about!

Concerts are a lot of fun. You can get drunk, you can dance, bang your head, take photos, hang out with your besties and...talk freely about traffic or work. You can also listen to music, but that seems to be a mere accessory these days. 

Imagine, you're a musician. You are doing your very best to provide people with your music. Yet, over the music you can hear people's voices. You can hear them chat about their migraines, their aunt Debbie or a great new way to shave their legs. You try harder but they just talk louder. Why do they do that?

Well, my guess is: those people just don't care about your music. All they care about is showing people that they have been there. They care about facebook likes, instagram masterpieces and twitter hearts. To those people, music is secondary. I have seen and heard them during Massive Attack, during Thisquietarmy and during O Yuki Conjugate. They are everywhere and they just won't shut up. They have to be eradicated because they are what's wrong with today's music industry. They are selfish and disrespectful pricks who only show up because the event is "hip".

And of course you can say something to a friend. You can make a few pictures. It's a free world but just show some respect and shut up during a concert, or at least the bigger part of it. I know it is hard to believe but there are actually people present who know and like the band and who therefore wish to enjoy the performance. They're called "fans". You can even see them buy merchandise. Do I have to explain what merchandise is? 

Back in the nineties and early this century there was always one uncle with a video camera. Uncle Video always filmed weddings and other family get togethers. Afterwards, he showed us the video which obviously looked horrible. The image was shaking the entire time and the sound was just awful. Well, guess what, all your smartphone videos of every gig you ever filmed look exactly like that. Again, I understand photos and the unwritten rule is: only during the first three songs. But filming the event on your smartphone just makes you a prick like the ones in the previous paragraph. Again, apparently you're only there for YouTube views. That, plus you're doing it with someone else's content. Bands could actually sue you for that.

Why are people so angry at phones at a concert? Perhaps because we expect a concert to have a certain amount of quality. That quality is determined by the band, the sound, the light, the atmosphere and the audience. It does indeed suck to have to stare at a bright screen in front of you instead of the actual band performing. ​I guess it's a mixed feeling. I understand the fact that you want to expand your memory of an event by filming it. But be real, you're never going to watch that video. There will always be a better version, filmed by professionals. Same goes for photos. I'll repeat: first three songs. After that the rest of the audience should have the permission to smash your device, deal?

Then of course there are the people who are continuously occupied with their smartphone without even filming the band. They are checking their social media, answering emails, watching photographs of aunt Debbie's ugly baby. Those people should not attend concerts and events but since this is a somewhat free world, they will show up anyway. Let's not worry about those people. They do the exact same thing in traffic so they'll kill themselves one day. It's natural selection.

1. Buy merchandise.

Bandshirts don't only look cool, they also make sure that the artist can eat or at least expand his career as a musician. I have never met an artist who did not appreciate me buying something, on the exact contrary. You should see the amount of free stickers I have gained over the years. Even more important, you should have seen the smiles and happy faces of artists young and old when I exchanged a stupid piece of printed paper for a beautifully printed piece of cloth.

2. Don't turn the venue into a dump

Don't litter. Throw your empty cup in a bin or put it on the bar so that the crew can clean it up. It's not that hard. If there are ashtrays, put your cigarettes in them. If you can't smoke inside, don't. And please do not piss in public.

3. Respect the crew.

Respect the hell out of these people. Most venues and festivals use volunteers. Those people work hard for days on end. They have been there before you woke up and they'll be there after you go home. Say "thank you", they'll appreciate it. Oh, and don't be that asshole who brings his own beer because it's cheaper.

4. Allow everyone to see what's going on

If the one standing behind you is smaller than you are, switch places, at least for a while. Either remain seated or dance in the hallway during concerts in a theatre venue. Backpacks are annoying things in crowded areas. Do not block hallways. These little things make the experience a lot nicer for people involved and thus for you too. 

5. Remember: people are here for the music

People go to church for Jesus, not to find a suitable mate. Concerts are rather similar. So don't annoy people with your sex drive, don't throw beer in people's faces, don't push, shove and brawl. Just watch, listen and enjoy. 

Serge

Borgloon, een bijna pittoresk stukje Belgisch Limburg, dat op zich al behoorlijk pittoresk is, is in de ban van een heus schandaal. De laatste keer dat Limburg in het nationale nieuws kwam, lag Steve Stevaert in het kanaal. En ja, er zijn ook die twee voetbalploegen die af en toe van zich laten horen maar algemeen beschouwd is Limburg door de gemiddelde nieuwssite of krant al even onbekend als voor de gemiddelde NMBS-topman. Voor de rest van Vlaanderen boert Limburg maar lekker voort zonder dat we daar teveel aandacht aan moeten besteden, zolang ze ons maar voorzien van die lekkere Jonagold appeltjes. Er zijn véél Jonagold appeltjes in Borgloon, iets waar niemand een probleem mee lijkt te hebben. Er hangt ook een gekruisigde koe in een kerkje, iets waar sommigen dan weer wél een probleem mee lijken te hebben.

Wat is er precies aan de hand?

Wel, er is een kunstenaar die een gekruisigde koe heeft opgehangen in een kerkje. Het is geen echte koe denk ik, want Gaia is nergens te bespeuren. Rondom de koe is vrolijk met melk rondgestrooid. Het geheel schijnt een aanklacht te zijn tegen onze consumptiemaatschappij, iets wat kunstenaars graag als excuus gebruiken om zichzelf kunstenaar te noemen. Het stadsbestuur vindt het allemaal OK en het bisdom heeft haar handen te vol met kinderklootjes om zich met die stomme koe te gaan moeien. Daarbij, een melkkoe als symbool is een katholieke kerk is eigenlijk nog niet eens zo onrealistisch, of wel? Toch zijn er mensen die er wel een probleem mee hebben, de arme schapen Gods die vinden dat het geheel een belediging is voor hun geloof. In dat opzicht past het geheel perfect in de hedendaagse "ik ben beleeeeeeedigt" rage (ja, dat woord is express foutief geschreven).

Waarom moei ik me ermee?

Voor één keertje voel ik me een volledig onpartijdige toezichter. Ik ben niet gelovig, om maar eens een understatement te gebruiken. Ik luister af en toe wel eens naar "Satanische" muziek, ik stel me ernstige vragen bij de bijbel én ik eet wel eens garnalen. Daarnaast zijn beeldende kunsternaars meestal ook niet mijn vrienden. Ik snap geen hol van beeldende kunst. Hier op de hoek van de straat staat een gigantisch wit en ietwat afgeplat hoofd in het ijle te staren. Het ding lijkt nergens op. Ik had op die plek veel liever een prachtige treurwilg zien staan, om maar een voorbeeld te geven. Dus neen, kunstenaars en Christelijken komen niet echt in mijn vriendenkring voor waardoor ik in deze kwestie niet automatisch een kant kies.

Wat is Kuttekoven?

Kuttekoven is één van de zovele Belgische dorpen en gehuchten met een ietwat ongebruikelijke naam. De naam komt van Cuttinchoven (voor het eerste vermeld in het jaar 1213), wat dan weer komt van boer Cotte, een Frankische boer die daar een hoeve had. Het is een deelgemeente van Borgloon, waar blijkbaar iemand zetelt die een beetje kunst in zijn gemeente wil brengen. Volgens sommige schepenen en burgemeesters is kunst immers goed voor het socio-economische gelaat van een stad. Eén van die kunstwerkjes, tentoongesteld in de Sint-Jan-Baptistkerk, komt van de hand van beeldhouwer Herck en wordt dolenthousiast op luid boegeroep onthaald. Het is blasfemie, eerroof en het past qua kleurenpalet niet bij de glas-in-lood ramen.

Het werkje heet "The Holy Cow" en teistert inmiddels de hele buurt. Men heeft geprobeerd het neer te halen door de touwen door te snijden, men heeft brand gesticht én men heeft geprotesteerd, zowel met spandoeken als via sociale media. Het leek wel een soort light-versie van de beeldenstorm, anno 2017. Mijnheer Herck voelt zich wellicht een soort Banksy, trots dat hij de rotte Jonagold appelen in de maatschappij openbaart en verrast door de woedende reacties van een handvol fundamentalistische pro-life aanhangers, onder leiding van ene mijnheer Goethals. Die mijnheer Goethals is ook actief bij "Helpers of God’s Precious Infants" en de anti-cultuurmarxistische beweging ‘Pro Familia’. Het klinkt allemaal een beetje bijbelgordel-Amerikaans, maar het bijft Kuttekoven.

Wie is hier nu de debiel?

Misschien had mijnheer Herck moeten weten dat het kruisigen van een gipsen koe in een nog niet ontwijde kerk enkele gefronste wenkbrauwen zou opleveren. Misschien rekende de kunstenaar zelfs op deze protesten en op de daarbijhorende journalistieke interesse. Blasfemistische Bella zal hem ongetwijfeld enkele nieuwe artistieke opdrachten hebben opgeleverd, alsook een sappige passage in zijn toekomstige memoires. De foetusbrigade aan de andere kant had misschien beter ingezien dat mijnheer Herck dankzij hun protesten een beetje beroemder is geworden en dat Bella wellicht zeer binnenkort in een stad met een iets mider hilarische naam komt te hangen. Ik ben er nu al vrij zeker van dat er een t-shirt lijn komt met de foto van "The Holy Cow", althans, dat zou ik doen moest ik ofwel mijnheer Herck ofwel een opportunistische zakenman zijn. Mijnheer Herck, moest u pas na het lezen van deze passage op dat idee komen, voor mij een XL graag, zwart.

Ik vind het kunstwerk eigenlijk nog wel iets hebben. Voor één keer begrijp ik wat de kunstenaar wil zeggen met zijn werk. Het zou een perfecte platenhoes zijn voor een band als Amenra of Bohren Und Der Club Of Gore. Het is een sterk symbool en lekker controversieel. Geen wonder dat de kapstokhaters hier een hekel aan hebben. Anderzijds hebben die me dan wel weer aan het lachen gekregen. Het protest moest een soort "Greenpeace-actie" worden, gebaseerd op sereniteit en gebed. Moesten ze nu effectief met de Harald Of Free Enterprise de kerk aan diggelen hebben geramd, dan zou ondertekende onder de indruk zijn, maar neen, ze kwamen bidden. 

Jezus vernielde de kramen van handelaars aan de kerk omdat ze religie koppelden aan winstbejag. Het Katholieke forum gaat een beetje staan bidden omdat zij vinden dat Jezus beledigd is. Mag Jezus zelf beslissen of hij zich beledigd voelt of niet? En zoja, zou die jullie dan niet een stevige oorvijg geven omdat jullie zijn leer verkocht hebben aan een bende pedofiele randdebielen, en omdat er betere dingen te doen zijn op zondagmiddag? Ga eens een dagje voorlezen in een bejaardentehuis of een mandje broodjes brengen naar een groepje daklozen, om maar een voorbeeld te geven. Maar neen, jullie bidden liever voor eerherstel. Wel, bid dan maar eens voor eerherstel voor de homo sapiens want zo te zien gaat er niemand van ons naar de hemel.


Serge

Isn't that a nice picture? That is me, checking out the test copy of the book I wrote. Don't worry. This article is not going to be a self indulgent rant about what a brilliant literary genius I am. This is not even going to be another hidden promo for 'Cecilia's World', which you can now purchase by clicking here. That is not the kind of person I am.
Actually, in this article I would like to share my experiences as a debuting novelist. I'd like to share the euphoria and the hardships of writing. I want to offer some tips and tricks to help you if you decide to walk the same path. That, plus, I want to remind myself of how I can do better next time. After all, don't we all strive to improve ourselves?

A bunch of months ago, I decided that it was time to write that damn book I have been thinking about for forty years. So I started writing and for months I dwelled in an imaginary world, filled with music and humor. Then, one day, my wife said, "Serge, there is something wrong. In this chapter, the father is a benign man but a few chapters further, he's an absolute cunt of a man." Those are not her exact words by the way. But she was right, I had completely changed the man's character. Fuck, shit, ass. Luckily, the problem was solved quickly by using a simple literary trick: creativity.

It is a good thing to have someone to support you and to correct these errors. Being a writer, you will quickly get caught up in your own story. You want to work towards finishing the book, without having to read large parts again and again. But, tiny things can unexpectedly alter your story, like the music you're playing or a movie you watched between writing sessions. An immediate test reader can solve that problem before it becomes a big one. That person can also correct typos and other spelling errors. My wife often does that in real time when I'm engaged in a writing session. Allow at least one person to do that from time to time, even if it slows down the writing process. Not only will you feel better because most of the errors are gone, but it will also improve your writing skills. In time, you will make less mistakes and thus become a better writer.

Because, believe me, unless you're writing a haiku book for infants, typos and errors will occur. I mean, I just misspelled the word 'errors' while writing this paragraph. Google told me that it was wrong, which is a good thing. Yet, don't just trust on Google to fix all your errors. You need a human for this job and you need to be thankful for that. After all, that person dramatically improved your chances of delivering a best seller.

Interview yourself as if Conan O'Brien would interview you. Or imagine yourself at an autograph session at a massive book event. Or, if you want, imagine yourself in the gutter, homeless and undiscovered until the coroner finds a copy of your masterpiece in your pocket, reads it and publishes it, eventually providing your long lost family with plenty of royalties from the movies and merchandising. After all, many geniuses have been discovered after their death, no?

No, I'm not telling you to write a book and go lay in the gutter and wait for the sweet embrace of death. That would be silly. I'm just saying that you should dare to dream. At night, or whenever you have the time, do that little interview or read that imaginary book review. It will send some dopamine to your brains which makes you feel good. While writing 'Cecilia's World' I did that from time to time and it was fun. In one of those fantasising sessions I even got to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson. Even in my mind, he wouldn't shut up, but that's ok. He doesn't know.

Just like this murderous demon in squirrel uniform, tiny things will fuck you up. No, for real. After checking and approving the test version, we still found some typos and errors. If you're going into this business on your own, or even with the help of some test reading volunteers, these things will happen. Only if you work with a professional publishing company, you can expect perfection. That is why you'll get only 30% of the profit your book makes. Then again, 30% with a pro could become more than the 85% if you go independent. They simply have the better tools, the better contacts and the bigger events. 

About those tiny errors: it's a lot harder to discover them on screen than on paper. We'll get them out by the time we need to do a reprint, if we need to do a reprint. It was a bit disappointing but I guess that is the price you have to pay for independence. Besides, only errors give you the opportunity to learn. 

Here is a picture of a calm evening sky. It's here because you will want to watch it from time to time while reading the following text. What comes next can be utterly confusing and quite possibly it won't even help because it'll just lead you to reading even more confusing stuff. The technicality of publishing a book is brain mangling, to say the least. I'll try to sum up some pros and cons, a few things that I have learned while publishing 'Cecilia's World' but from there you're on your own. 

a. A book is not an ebook

When 'Cecilia's World' was finished, I thought I could now quickly transfer the whole thing into both a book and an ebook. I had decided beforehand that the physical copies would come in an A5 format so I had based all of my writing on that. For the printed version, that worked perfectly, although there are a few things. For starters, you'll probably have to deliver the whole thing to the printers as a PDF. They will not do anything, not check, not correct, nothing. They'll only print your book. Be sure to ask for a test print. In my case, I did get some advice on the cover but that's mostly because the rest was ok. Why? We followed a few guidelines which we found on the internet:

-Black is not always black. In computer code, there are different blacks with some of them being printed as dark grey. Be sure to have maximum saturation on your text. 
-Also be sure to make outlines. This way the result will be the same as on your computer screen. 
-Do not add the cover to the PDF. You'll have to make a separate PDF for the cover.
-If you want a white sheet in between chapters, you'll have to add a blank page. As I mentioned before, the printers will not do that automatically.
-The cover has to be in a high resolution, otherwise it will come out blurry. 
-Watch out for automatic page numbers. In 'Cecilia's World' the foreword is on page 2 and the first chapter on page 3. We did not find this tip on the internet.
-Do NOT use enters for page breaks. That is a hefty no-no. Your software has a function for that.

In all, it's best to practice a bit with your text editing software. I have used Openoffice and a trial version of Adobe Illustrator. Others will use Word or even others. You'll need to become familiar with the program you use. Smashwords, the platform where the digital version 'Cecilia's World' is published on, has an excellent Style Guide that has helped me a lot (click here).

Ebooks work very differently than books. In a paper version, you could actually work with enters instead of page breaks but if you do that with an ebook, the whole thing will look weird. Furthermore, ereader users can change the font and the text height, so they won't always look the same. Therefore, page breaks, remember those words. 

Perhaps this should have been the very first tip on this whole article, but start with a completely blank page. Do not add any formatting before the actual text is written. It will only complicate things. Oh, and no double spaces behind dots at the end of a sentence. Apparently that's a no-no. 

b. It's not a cover until the fat lady sings.

So you've written and formatted your book, now it's time to work on the cover. Hell is about to break loose. You will have to deliver a PDF and again, that differs from book to ebook. 

Ebook: JPG of front and back in decent resolution is ok. You can upload those separately. 


Book: Yeah, but there is that little thing called 'spine', that thing on the side with your name and the title of the book. That is going to be nasty, because it raises a lot of questions.

1. How wide does it have to be?
You'll have to ask the printers because that depends on the number of pages and thickness of the paper. For a 355 pages book like mine, the spine had to be 1.90cm wide.

2. How do I press that between the front and page pages?
You'll need a decent photo editing software. Photoshop did the trick for me, along of course with a very good friend who's good at this kind of stuff. He only had to start over twice.

3. Will it make me insane?
Yeah, and there will be more.

Like, make sure that there are a few centimeters of blank space around the artwork, plus a few millimeters of outlines. No text or important parts of the photograph near the edges. They might become folded over or cut away, depending on the format of the whole thing. That is why you should always ask for a test print. 

Right, that should cover that. Or maybe not. I can only give advice for books with text only. If you want to publish a photo book or one with drawings you might want to carefully read the Smashwords Style Guide (here), and/or find more help. I checked into that, it's confusing as hell. 

So you did everything I told you to do, including searching for other advice, and you are ready to sell your writings to the masses.

How to do that? 

For my ebook, I worked with Smashwords and I'm quite pleased with them. You can upload your text as a .txt file, plus the covers and they'll do the rest. You can also do an interview, which is fun, and add the necessary links in your author profile. Then they will publish the thing and you'll see it appear on a multitude of ebook distributors. They also have a Premium Status for books which will get your book to most major platforms. To receive that status, your book has to apply to the guidelines which should be rather easy if you follow the aforementioned tips and tricks.


There are other providers too. BookBaby is probably the most popular and they can help you with printed versions too. You can also go directly to Kindle or Kobo. That is up to you. Be sure to check the internet for alternatives that might suit you better. Smashwords did the trick for me personally, but I can imagine not everyone being happy with their service. They are quite strict in their guidelines, but I guess that only helps improve the overall quality. 

Then there are the physical copies. I can only tell you what I did do sell them. I promoted them here on Merchants Of Air. I used social media and my network of artists, agencies and friends. I'll have a book launch with Urall, Stratosphere & Thisquietarmy (check) coming up and I'm looking into some other possibilities. Just use your resources, that's all I can say about that.

Right, that's enough. Now go write your bestseller.


Serge