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Rik Watches the World Cup, Part Human

27/6/2018

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Nothing is more enjoyable for a writer than misbehaving celebrities. So in this week's column about the FIFA World Cup we'll be talking about middle fingers, butthurt twats and the match people predict to be the most boring football game in the history of FIFA. We'll be saying farewell to some brave nations and look forward to the next rounds.
But first, let's talk about chickens. Did you know that fans are not allowed to bring live chickens into the stadiums? Apparently, some years ago Nigerian fans brought the animals with them as some sort of good luck charm. They sprayed them green and white to support their team. I guess they had a neat little barbeque after their team got kicked out of the cup. "Can't have a trophy but we have chicken nuggets, which is also nice", that kind of thing. I don't really like the rule. There are already so many things people cannot bring with them. One Australian guy brought an inflatable kangaroo and heaps of girls brought inflatable boobs but there have been way too few weird items in the audience, apart from Maradona's cocaine, obviously. We'll get to El Higho later in this article. For now, let's hope the fans will bring more funny stuff to the stadiums, like ostriches, rainbows or suicidal mumble rappers.
Now let's see who wins this week's award for "cunt of the week". This one is not going to be easy but perhaps these two Swiss attackers deserve a nomination. That hand gesture apparently offends the other nominees: the Serbian fans. The gesture symbolizes the Albanian eagle. Now, you wonder what Albania has to do with all this?
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Well, this is where the World Cup becomes more intriguing than 'The Bold And The Beautiful'. Serbia and Albania have never been friends. In fact, there has been bad blood between the two since the beginning of time. They have been massacring, slaughtering and butchering each other for centuries. The entire Balkan area is completely messed up. There have also  been the Yugoslav Wars and Kosovo War to add fuel to the fire. 

All that bad blood reflects on and near the football fields. Granit Xhaka and Xherdan Shaqiri play for Switzerland but they both have roots in Kosovo and Albania. During the match they received racist remarks from Serbian fans, which apparently was a reaction to Xhaka and Shaqiri mentioning the troubled relationships between the countries in interviews. The footballers celebrated their goals with the Albanian eagle, which was a huge bite in the butt for the Serbians. Eventually, both players have been fined by the FIFA for this gesture, claiming politics don't belong in football.
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Political butthurt should not be a part of the World Cup but since we're merely humans, it's there. "We're not getting a penalty because we're African". "The VAR ignores us because we're Muslims". "Ronaldo and Messi can do anything they like and not be reprimanded". "Whéééé whéééé whéééé." Every little error is played out to be racist, political, offensive, religious or degenerating. Meanwhile, the gays wonder what the hell is going on. Now they feel ignored.
It's true. I haven't heard a gay joke in weeks. I also haven't heard or seen any gay or anti-gay propaganda, apart from the two homosexuals getting kicked out of a nightclub. Is everybody so afraid of Russia these days? I have been waiting for an intimate lesbian or gay kiss on camera for weeks. Someone's got to have the balls to shove his or her sexuality in Putin's face, no? Did everybody forget what Pussy Riot has been fighting for? If you have to get all political and shit while having scored expensive tickets for a football match, you might as well make a nutcracker of a statement, right? I've seen a Muslim girl take of her headscarf during a match. To me she is now the bravest person in Russia. I'm sure the LBGTZFGHEZEFRTYHERGRYUHERFAZCZRGHRTHGZECDGTFRYHRTHGZEFZAEFEDTG cummunity can do better. Ride a dildo to the stadium or something like that, for crying out loud.
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Four years ago it were the referees, this time the VAR is the most discussed item on and near the battlefields. But imagine being put into a job that doesn't exist yet. They put you in there, give you a bunch of tasks and count on you to observe everything correctly. There is no predecessor to ask for advice. There is no real chief in staff, just another guy who has no idea what he's doing.
That is pretty much what the VAR is about. The FIFA invited some guys who weren't good enough to be referee to sit in a room and either shut up or overrule the people who are good enough to be a referee. It's like having a porn company run by virgins. So be patient. Within a couple of years, the FIFA will have invented a VAR overruling entity, with more guys who are mostly there because people simply can't stop complaining about everything. In fact, the VAR is only there because you don't trust the referees. So it's your own fault.
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Diego doubled Robbie's middlefinger. I hope Robbie isn't too pissed off about that. That match between Nigeria and Argentina was exciting but the real show happened in the VIP area. Maradona's neck hurt and he had two glasses of wine but to 99.98% of the viewing population he was completely wasted on cocaine.
I think he was pissed off because Nigerians couldn't bring live chickens into the stadium. From the looks of it, Maradona likes the taste of fried chicken, certainly with a few lines of white... sorry, glasses of white wine. Besides, people are hugely misinformed. Maradona was not making "fuck you" gestures. He was signaling the score in Iceland - Croatia at that time. Croatia scored again but before Maradona could make both a fuck you gesture and the devil's horns, he passed out, drunk on two glasses of white Russian wine. White. Russian. Wine.
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Plenty of people say that Denmark versus France was the most boring match on this World Cup so far. Others speculate that England versus Belgium will even top that. Already dubbed "the most boring match ever", this one will definitely be one for the ages. Why you'd better take a nap during this match? Well, let me explain.
It's all a lot of rubbish mumbo-jumbo nonsense to make the air vibrate and have something to talk about. They're both first in their group with Belgium being second first because of one more yellow card. Now it seems that the second in the group will have an easier route to the final. Let's read that again: To. The. Final. Yes, because the tradition is that both teams will always reach that final. As if it matters anything what the route to the final is. Although, with Germany being eliminated by South Korea, chances for both teams seem to improve. 

We have the Premier League going up against the best players of the Premier League. That is one of the most exciting competitions in football. It makes Belgian professional football look like an episode of Samson & Gert. So now, finally, after ninety six billion centuries, Belgians can prove that they're better than the English. No buddy, our team is not going to play to lose, even if that means a rougher route to the finale. Do you think the fans will accept that? Thousands of flags, shirts, hats, phone covers and other environmentally endangering merchandise would be burned in the streets if Belgium would play to lose. Plus, we'd make Nainggolan our only Red Devil for Euro 2020.
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You know, those guys from Manchester City, guys like ​Kyle Walker, Vincent Kompany, Kevin De Bruyne and Raheem Sterling. They probably have a Whatsapp group with their club. They're probably sending messages right now. What do you think they're sending one another? Do you think they're trash-talking? Teasing each other? Begging?
Kevin: Hey @Walker, better start building a wall so I can kick underneath it.
Walker: @Kevin, well, Courtois is used to picking balls out of his goal when you're on the pitch. We'll make him bend over like a Kardashian.
Kevin: Haha, fat chance, we got Romelu. He knows how to catch a long ball and do something useful with it.
Walker: Hah, we got Kane. He'll destroy you.
Kevin: Kane? We'll lock him up in Fellaini's hair.
Kyle: It'll be like playing Chelsea again, but with Tottenham's defense. Can't be that hard.
Raheem: I passed Alderweireld before, I can do it again.
Kevin: @Raheem, that's the only pass you'll ever succeed in.
Vincent: Come on guys, take it easy before someone gets hurt.
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While I'm writing this, I'm watching Germany being in big trouble against South Korea while Sweden is munching tacos like madmen. Germany is unleashing attack after attack but the Asians stand strong. I see the fans and I can feel their emotions. People are actually wetting themselves, I'm damn sure of that. Nowhere else in sports do emotions run so rampantly, so it seems. I see tears, fear, laughter. I see so much energy coming off those stands you can easily electrify a small country with it. At this moment into this article, South Korea have scored, thus sending the Germans back home. So it's "Tschüs" for the reigning, no longer defending world championship. Before the match, their coach, Löw, said that if they would lose, they'd had to smell his fingers. This is pure horror for Germany, but not for the rest of the world. Suddenly everybody's chances have hugely improved, also because most of the other title candidates aren't top level at the moment.

So what is yet to come? We have had a pretty surprising and interesting World Cup so far. Son Heung-Min probably doesn't need to go to the army. Although, I do think Son should send some Korean fans as a thank you to Manuel Neuer. 
Right, I'm going to eat a pizza and watch some more people getting butthurt in group E. I really hope they do bunnies instead of eagles this time so nobody should get offended...
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​Rik
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Rik Watches The World Cup, part B

21/6/2018

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Well well well, what a delightful and hilarious world cup this is becoming. I am enjoying every single minute of it. There is so much happening that I can write a whole book about it. I can call it 'The Brible' or the 'Flooran' or how about 'The PleThoran'? In between Neymar's dives, there is so much happening, as much as I said in one of the previous lines.
Where shall we begin? Russia won again, that's a good start. They kicked Salah and King Tut's butt with 3-1. Even more so, the statistics seem to mention that the Russians ran the most during their two matches. 118 and 115 kilometers respectively. Not even in the Premier League do the footballers run that distance. Now, carefully, the first doping-rumours have started. Here and there people are talking about the scandals again. After all, doping increases the stamina, makes athletes run longer. I think those guys with the fluo-yellow vests will have their work cut out for them. I just watched Messi walk past one of those dudes. The doping control man almost pissed his own pants this time, so scared was he. Of course, Messi was not in a very good mood after having his ass handed to him by Modric and his Croatian legion. That goal by Modric was a beauty by the way, one of the prettiest ones so far in this World Cup. 
Of course, Caballero competing with De Gea for the Karius trophy didn't help Argenia very well. The keeper excelled with a daring assist and a bunch of South American curse words afterwards. It was painful to see the Argentinian fans, crying, staring into a void of desperation. You'd almost think that they were Mexican children, separated from their parents because of immigration control. 

Besides, what the hell were all those faults for? I've seen so many ill-natured actions on those football fields it makes Suarez look like Mother Teresa. Otamendi should have received a red card, a 50 pages essay on sportsmanship and a vasectomy for his actions.
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The gambling addicts must have a stressful time right now. With the shameful results from the favorites, tonnes of money is going into the bookers' pockets. People are losing so much money that they're even taking a break from gambling on cryptocurrency. Those results are quite similar to Germany's success in Russia. And we all know how successful the Germans are over there. Luckily it doesn't look like Germany has to be in Russia during winter this time. Their bout with Sweden will surely be interesting.
Sepp Blatter was in Russia. For those who don't know who Blatter  is: he was the eighth president of the FIFA ("Football Isn't For Arabs" - according to 9Gag). Blatter is currently on a six year ban from serving in any FIFA activity because of corruption, bribery, fraud, money  laundering and all the other things men in suits do. Naughty-presi Putin invited Blatter, possibly in another attempt to one-up Robbie Williams' middle finger. For an anti-gay forerunner like Putin, he certainly likes to invite old white men to his parties, no? 

It feels weird knowing that an odds-on favorite like Argentina might not even make the next round but Iran still has a chance. Perhaps that's the charm of something like the World Cup. The Muslim countries aren't doing very well. Loss loss loss loss...it looks like the Belgian state budget. Yet, teams like Saudi Arabia, Iran and Tunisia can build a wall like no Trump can. I bet Donald has never thought of that: just stack a heap of Arabs on top of each other and no Mexican will migrate to the USA. 
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Luckily, when the performances on the grass are disgraceful, there are always the fans to cheer people up. The internet always goes wild over the beautiful women cheering their team. Balls 'n' boobies, that's all most people need for a successful World Cup, or better, "Balls, beer 'n' boobs". Apparently, the Russians are getting low on beer. Shops and bars underestimated the beer-lust of football fans. Probably because their national competition isn't sponsored by a beer brand, like the Jupiler League in Belgium. Soon, they will have to dilute their beer with vodka. I'd say "finally", some more aggression. This has been such a goodie-goodie world cup that people are beginning to lose interest. Where are the hooligans? Where are the English inbreds? Where are the Russian fist-troops? Hell, all attention now goes to the Japanese and Senegalese fans who clean their section in the stadium. Fucking pussies. Is the final going to be Japan vs Senegal for the cleanest stadium?
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Actually, I'd like to give these fans some sort of being-human-award. What they did wasn't necessary but it said so much about these people and perhaps even more about the other countries' fans. It shows that some people still know what respect means, possibly even more than the ones on the pitch. So Kudos to Japan and Senegal, you two are now my favorites for when I ever decide to leave this tree-cutting, lion-shooting and nuclear-disaster prone country that Belgium has become.

I mean, here we are, in the middle of thousands of people cheering on their team. Fans from winning teams showed frenzied signs of happiness. They waved flags, sang songs and danced the night away. What were the Belgian fans doing? Complaining that our team won by only 3-0. Winning wasn't good enough, our Red Devils had to crush the competition with at least 274-0, that seems to be the general idea here. I guess we just have to face it, Belgians can't be happy. Our natural emotion is disappointment, which is pretty easy because when we're not disappointed we can be disappointed for not being disappointed. If you want more goals, go watch handball.
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Have I talked about Iceland yet? Iceland is bloody awesome. Ólafur Ingi Skúlason, Birkir Bjarnason, Aron Gunnarsson... Those aren't athletes names, those are the names of the people that ran over half of Europe a few centuries ago. Everybody now fears those Vikings, who by the way are mostly hobby-football players. One of them is a dentist.
Imagine having a Fqemtfoiesqrgtuknbsdeftgbson as dentist. Your teeth will behave, that's for damn sure. Somewhere in 2018 the UEFA Nations League will kick off and our Belgian Red Devils have to go up against these Icelanders. Our defenders will probably have no choice but to open the sluices again, like we did against the Germans a few decannia back. We'll also have to face Switzerland, who saw all our secret accounts and document shipped to Panama. Oh history, you funny.
Speaking of ancient civilizations, how sludge metal does Australian striker Jedinak look? From the looks of it, after this World Cup that penalty-specialist will tour with Dopethrone. I think they breed this kind of people in Australia to scare off king cobras, aboriginals and giant reptiles. He surely is something else than "spaghetti-incident" Neymar.
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I'll end this thing with a word on the VAR, the "assistant video referee". I love it when they introduce things into sports that will undoubtedly cause more discussion and confusion. I want every sport to be as confusing as possible. The VAR has become such a nice comic relief to the whole thing. Of course, being pissed on illegally brewed Russian vodka, the VAR only works before and after the game. Gotta love that.

The VAR never really worked in Belgium, which isn't surprising since nothing really works here. In Russia they have a very complex network of cables, satellite-dishes, wi-fi, bluetooth and whatnot to make sure that every clear error is punished. But, in the end, it might just be better to use one extra referee who can look at the match from a different angle. That would be cheaper. It still wouldn't work but the FIFA could save some money, no? 

Oh, that's true, a mumble rapper died. Boy, did he pick a bad moment to be shot now that all attention is on the World Cup. Just proves that mumble rappers are dumb.

See you soon


Rik

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Rik Watches The World Cup, part 1

19/6/2018

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It has been a while since I wrote my last gardening and nature appreciation blog (read) but I have a good reason for that. Apart from another few hours of digging, there was simply nothing more to do. A new blog will come soon but in the meantime I have found something else to ramble about. In Russia, a bunch of millionaires are kicking a bunch of balls into a bunch of nets, and that's exciting.
When I was a young boy, I used to watch football matches on television with my father. My mother didn't like the game so she did some crossword puzzles or play Tetris on an LCD gaming device. Later, since my father worked in an electronics factory, we bought another television so my mother could watch her soap series while my father and I cheered on the Red Devils. I think those were the few moments when I felt truly at ease, at home. 

In a tiny room in a tiny house in Brazil, a seven year old boy is watching his heroes play against Switzerland. He watches it on an old television, probably a model from the early eighties. In those days things were made to last. The television is standing on a plastic picnic table. There is nothing else in the room, just the boy, the table and his ancient television. He is happy because Brazil has scored. He won't be this happy until they score again.
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In Belgium, a man is sitting behind his computer. He has just updated his facebook status, saying extremely nasty things about people who enjoy the match. He is drinking wine, an expensive bottle too. He still has to choose between cheese cubes or chicken wings for his late night snack.
The man writes that those footballers are overpaid morons who run after a ball, only to kick it away again. He presses "publish" and takes on more sip from his wine. Then he decides to go to the movies, to watch overpaid morons pretending to be somebody else. Later that year, that same man will appear in a wooden cubicle to vote for overpaid morons who will only attempt to divide and enslave their subjects even more. 

I can't help but think about that little boy in Brazil. That boy has one goal in life, become an athlete and be rich. It reminds me of another story (read) of a boy that wanted to become an athlete, coincidentally a football player. He was born in absolute poverty. His lunch was bread and milk, every single day. One day he came home from school and saw his mother dilute the milk with tap water. They no longer could afford the milk. That day, the boy made a promise to his mother. He promised that everything was going to be fine. He started training. Later, his grandfather begged him to take care of his daughter, the boy's mother. Once again, the boy promised to fight. Only a few days later his grandfather passed away.
That boy scored two goals against Panama. Romelu Lukaku grew up in a prosperous country, lived in Antwerp, Liege, Brussels. He battled opponents, critics and keyboard warriors everywhere. After one of his goals, he shoved his face into a camera and said "pour toi, maman". After the match, he fell down on his knees and prayed, I like to think he simply talked to his grandfather.
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I'll tell you a little secret, I really enjoyed Robbie Williams' performance at the opening ceremony, especially the 'Angel' duet with Aida Garifullina. What a perfect name for a soprano by the way and what a beautiful and talented lady that Aida is.  Williams is an excellent entertainer and with that done-before middle finger he tried to prove to the world that he is still some kind of enfant terrible. Was it against the Russian's treatment of gay people? Was it against the billion dollar industry that football has become? Was it against his fans who are mostly a bunch of overpaid morons? I don't know. I think it was just Robbie being Robbie. And as far as the enfant terrible thing is concerned, we Belgians have Nainggolan, a guy I like more and more each day. Here in Belgium, the non-selection of Radja was a huge thing but Radja, although clearly "bitten in his ass", takes it with a neat dose of humor. 
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Then, shortly after the opening ceremony, which for me was a bit too bombastic, weird and unnecessary, it was time for the first match of this world cup. Russia took on Saudi Arabia. The match became a humiliation for the Saudis with a 5-0 loss. Most people will probably remember Putin's reactions to the goals, a light version of Robbie's middle finger.
The Saudis weren't good, but neither were the Germans, the Brazilians or the Argentinians. Although, we have to give Argentina the benefit of the doubt because they were battling the Icelandic vikings, the only nation that as one man stands behind their team. More than 95 percent of the Icelandic population watched the match. That must be an absolute record and a baffling number, considering the fact that Iceland is not a football nation, yet. Given time Iceland will undoubtedly dominate. Do you know why? I'll tell you why. The Icelanders don't care about anything but Iceland. They support their own. They know what the word "United" means. For Icelandic people, uniting is not a vague concept like "Metalheads Unite" or "Fortnite Fans Unite". On this side of the world, the word "unite" is only used to divide people into little groups of people who hate everything about all the other little groups. In Iceland, being united means being one, fighting for each other and turning all faces into the same direction, which I assure you is not Donald Trump's stupid antics. 
A nation that does care about Trump's shenanigans is Mexico. America, lead by a diseased orange, is being an absolute cunt as far as immigration is concerned. But Mexico itself isn't a perfect living area either. People there can choose between a life in absolute poverty or a life of being hated, simply depending on which side of the border they happen to be.
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So is it such a bad thing that for once these people can cheer a little after their team beat Germany? That should not be surprise, that should be heartwarming. According to some sources, the many happily jumping people caused a little earthquake in the area around Mexico City but that is not true. It was possibly just a real earthquake somewhere in the neighbourhood, caused by tectonic activity. But for once, let's just believe the happy story that people can actually cause earthquakes. I mean, we love that kind of stories. We tell them to our kids and then tell them that lying is bad. When those kids finally discover that the Easter Bunny isn't real, we make up another story to regress their anger and when they see through that lie we tell them to shut up and find a job. And you wonder why your adolescent doesn't really like you.
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You know who Robbie's middle finger is for? It's for you, the so-called "haters". I used to hate Robbie. I used to think he was a prick the size of Ibrahimovic's ego. But now I like Robbie. Robbie says "I chased my dream and I made it, fuck you if you dislike me for that." And Robbie is right, don't take your failures out on someone who succeeds in life. Instead, have a wank and try something else.
I found it increasingly difficult to understand people's hate, fear and anger towards either talented or hard working people. True, some people have it easier than others but is that a reason to empty your gallbladder all over your facebook page? I don't like Justin Bieber either but there must be a reason why she is so immensely popular. Eighty percent of the world population being absolute nitwits can be such a reason but so is being picked up by pedophile artist agents and having massive wallets shoved in your face.

Anyway, back to football. I really wonder why I have not seen a meme about steroids and performance enhancing drugs after Russia beat Saudi Arabia. Why is that? Has everyone forgotten the gargantuan Russian doping scandal in the Olympics? Am I now under electronic surveillance because I mention this? Is Putin now spying on me for being the only journalist who dares mention this stuff? I guess nobody thought of this because of the cringeworthy appearance by the Saudis. Is the Saudi team still alive or am I stirring in another dangerous pot here? 
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I also really dig the drama around the whole World Cup. The Mexican team hanging out with prostitutes for example. Athletes and hookers have always been an entertaining match, just like athletes and cocaine, right Maradona? See, the world of football is just like the real world: whores, drugs, parties, the more the merrier and the richer the better.

I just don't understand the group sex thing. I already puke when I think about showering with other men, something footballers do seem to enjoy, but having sex with somebody in a pool while your teammates are in the same pool, having sex with the same women? That feels very Skull & Bones to me. Those weren't orgies, those were secret society initiation rites. Whenever a guy debuts with the Belgian Red Devils, he has to sing a song in front of the group. I think in some countries, I'm not going to mention which ones because I don't want to die, teammates have to jerk off together as some sort of sick teambuilding thing. Groupwanking can turn people into presidents so I'm sure it can also cause a big win against another football team but still, yuck.

I'll move to saver havens with Spain - Portugal. That was by far the most entertaining match so far. Ronaldo might be an absolute ass but he scored a hattrick and thus saved one important point for his nation. I, as a Belgian, still hope Lukaku will outdo Ronaldo. Actually, I would like to see a UFC match between Lukaku and Ronaldo. That would probably be even more entertaining that this World Cup, a cage fight between two successful strikers. I don't like mixed martial arts. I'm one of those sissies who prefer professional wrestling but that is one match I would definitely watch, or even better, Lukaku versus Neymar. 
Since we are on the subject of sissies who like professional wrestling: Neymar would be the ultimate jobber. He knows how to sell a punch or a kick like no other WWE superstar can. He is more annoying than Enzo Amore, more laughable than Santino Marella and more injury prone than Rey Mysterio. Neymar would be a perfect addition to the WWE roster. Hell, even James Ellsworth could convincingly defeat Neymar in a WWE ring.
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I found the World Cup so far extremely entertaining. There have been a few good matches, some surprising results, a bit of laughter with people's last names and a dash of hilarity when the mosquitos attacked the English team. There were facepalms too, like when Roberto Martinez complained about the length of the grass and the ninety minutes Neymar spent inspecting that length. I also enjoyed the Swiss players' grin whenever they looked at the little troll rolling and crying and whining and complaining. I think my advice in this article is clear. Don't roll and cry and whine and complain. 

Don't be a Neymar.


Rik
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    Serge's new episodic thriller 'I Do Not Want This' is now available.

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