But first, let's talk about chickens. Did you know that fans are not allowed to bring live chickens into the stadiums? Apparently, some years ago Nigerian fans brought the animals with them as some sort of good luck charm. They sprayed them green and white to support their team. I guess they had a neat little barbeque after their team got kicked out of the cup. "Can't have a trophy but we have chicken nuggets, which is also nice", that kind of thing. I don't really like the rule. There are already so many things people cannot bring with them. One Australian guy brought an inflatable kangaroo and heaps of girls brought inflatable boobs but there have been way too few weird items in the audience, apart from Maradona's cocaine, obviously. We'll get to El Higho later in this article. For now, let's hope the fans will bring more funny stuff to the stadiums, like ostriches, rainbows or suicidal mumble rappers.

Well, this is where the World Cup becomes more intriguing than 'The Bold And The Beautiful'. Serbia and Albania have never been friends. In fact, there has been bad blood between the two since the beginning of time. They have been massacring, slaughtering and butchering each other for centuries. The entire Balkan area is completely messed up. There have also  been the Yugoslav Wars and Kosovo War to add fuel to the fire. 

All that bad blood reflects on and near the football fields. Granit Xhaka and Xherdan Shaqiri play for Switzerland but they both have roots in Kosovo and Albania. During the match they received racist remarks from Serbian fans, which apparently was a reaction to Xhaka and Shaqiri mentioning the troubled relationships between the countries in interviews. The footballers celebrated their goals with the Albanian eagle, which was a huge bite in the butt for the Serbians. Eventually, both players have been fined by the FIFA for this gesture, claiming politics don't belong in football.

It's true. I haven't heard a gay joke in weeks. I also haven't heard or seen any gay or anti-gay propaganda, apart from the two homosexuals getting kicked out of a nightclub. Is everybody so afraid of Russia these days? I have been waiting for an intimate lesbian or gay kiss on camera for weeks. Someone's got to have the balls to shove his or her sexuality in Putin's face, no? Did everybody forget what Pussy Riot has been fighting for? If you have to get all political and shit while having scored expensive tickets for a football match, you might as well make a nutcracker of a statement, right? I've seen a Muslim girl take of her headscarf during a match. To me she is now the bravest person in Russia. I'm sure the LBGTZFGHEZEFRTYHERGRYUHERFAZCZRGHRTHGZECDGTFRYHRTHGZEFZAEFEDTG cummunity can do better. Ride a dildo to the stadium or something like that, for crying out loud.

That is pretty much what the VAR is about. The FIFA invited some guys who weren't good enough to be referee to sit in a room and either shut up or overrule the people who are good enough to be a referee. It's like having a porn company run by virgins. So be patient. Within a couple of years, the FIFA will have invented a VAR overruling entity, with more guys who are mostly there because people simply can't stop complaining about everything. In fact, the VAR is only there because you don't trust the referees. So it's your own fault.

I think he was pissed off because Nigerians couldn't bring live chickens into the stadium. From the looks of it, Maradona likes the taste of fried chicken, certainly with a few lines of white... sorry, glasses of white wine. Besides, people are hugely misinformed. Maradona was not making "fuck you" gestures. He was signaling the score in Iceland - Croatia at that time. Croatia scored again but before Maradona could make both a fuck you gesture and the devil's horns, he passed out, drunk on two glasses of white Russian wine. White. Russian. Wine.

It's all a lot of rubbish mumbo-jumbo nonsense to make the air vibrate and have something to talk about. They're both first in their group with Belgium being second first because of one more yellow card. Now it seems that the second in the group will have an easier route to the final. Let's read that again: To. The. Final. Yes, because the tradition is that both teams will always reach that final. As if it matters anything what the route to the final is. Although, with Germany being eliminated by South Korea, chances for both teams seem to improve. 

We have the Premier League going up against the best players of the Premier League. That is one of the most exciting competitions in football. It makes Belgian professional football look like an episode of Samson & Gert. So now, finally, after ninety six billion centuries, Belgians can prove that they're better than the English. No buddy, our team is not going to play to lose, even if that means a rougher route to the finale. Do you think the fans will accept that? Thousands of flags, shirts, hats, phone covers and other environmentally endangering merchandise would be burned in the streets if Belgium would play to lose. Plus, we'd make Nainggolan our only Red Devil for Euro 2020.

Kevin: Hey @Walker, better start building a wall so I can kick underneath it.
Walker: @Kevin, well, Courtois is used to picking balls out of his goal when you're on the pitch. We'll make him bend over like a Kardashian.
Kevin: Haha, fat chance, we got Romelu. He knows how to catch a long ball and do something useful with it.
Walker: Hah, we got Kane. He'll destroy you.
Kevin: Kane? We'll lock him up in Fellaini's hair.
Kyle: It'll be like playing Chelsea again, but with Tottenham's defense. Can't be that hard.
Raheem: I passed Alderweireld before, I can do it again.
Kevin: @Raheem, that's the only pass you'll ever succeed in.
Vincent: Come on guys, take it easy before someone gets hurt.

While I'm writing this, I'm watching Germany being in big trouble against South Korea while Sweden is munching tacos like madmen. Germany is unleashing attack after attack but the Asians stand strong. I see the fans and I can feel their emotions. People are actually wetting themselves, I'm damn sure of that. Nowhere else in sports do emotions run so rampantly, so it seems. I see tears, fear, laughter. I see so much energy coming off those stands you can easily electrify a small country with it. At this moment into this article, South Korea have scored, thus sending the Germans back home. So it's "Tschüs" for the reigning, no longer defending world championship. Before the match, their coach, Löw, said that if they would lose, they'd had to smell his fingers. This is pure horror for Germany, but not for the rest of the world. Suddenly everybody's chances have hugely improved, also because most of the other title candidates aren't top level at the moment.

​Rik

Where shall we begin? Russia won again, that's a good start. They kicked Salah and King Tut's butt with 3-1. Even more so, the statistics seem to mention that the Russians ran the most during their two matches. 118 and 115 kilometers respectively. Not even in the Premier League do the footballers run that distance. Now, carefully, the first doping-rumours have started. Here and there people are talking about the scandals again. After all, doping increases the stamina, makes athletes run longer. I think those guys with the fluo-yellow vests will have their work cut out for them. I just watched Messi walk past one of those dudes. The doping control man almost pissed his own pants this time, so scared was he. Of course, Messi was not in a very good mood after having his ass handed to him by Modric and his Croatian legion. That goal by Modric was a beauty by the way, one of the prettiest ones so far in this World Cup. 

Sepp Blatter was in Russia. For those who don't know who Blatter  is: he was the eighth president of the FIFA ("Football Isn't For Arabs" - according to 9Gag). Blatter is currently on a six year ban from serving in any FIFA activity because of corruption, bribery, fraud, money  laundering and all the other things men in suits do. Naughty-presi Putin invited Blatter, possibly in another attempt to one-up Robbie Williams' middle finger. For an anti-gay forerunner like Putin, he certainly likes to invite old white men to his parties, no? 

It feels weird knowing that an odds-on favorite like Argentina might not even make the next round but Iran still has a chance. Perhaps that's the charm of something like the World Cup. The Muslim countries aren't doing very well. Loss loss loss loss...it looks like the Belgian state budget. Yet, teams like Saudi Arabia, Iran and Tunisia can build a wall like no Trump can. I bet Donald has never thought of that: just stack a heap of Arabs on top of each other and no Mexican will migrate to the USA. 

Luckily, when the performances on the grass are disgraceful, there are always the fans to cheer people up. The internet always goes wild over the beautiful women cheering their team. Balls 'n' boobies, that's all most people need for a successful World Cup, or better, "Balls, beer 'n' boobs". Apparently, the Russians are getting low on beer. Shops and bars underestimated the beer-lust of football fans. Probably because their national competition isn't sponsored by a beer brand, like the Jupiler League in Belgium. Soon, they will have to dilute their beer with vodka. I'd say "finally", some more aggression. This has been such a goodie-goodie world cup that people are beginning to lose interest. Where are the hooligans? Where are the English inbreds? Where are the Russian fist-troops? Hell, all attention now goes to the Japanese and Senegalese fans who clean their section in the stadium. Fucking pussies. Is the final going to be Japan vs Senegal for the cleanest stadium?

Actually, I'd like to give these fans some sort of being-human-award. What they did wasn't necessary but it said so much about these people and perhaps even more about the other countries' fans. It shows that some people still know what respect means, possibly even more than the ones on the pitch. So Kudos to Japan and Senegal, you two are now my favorites for when I ever decide to leave this tree-cutting, lion-shooting and nuclear-disaster prone country that Belgium has become.

I mean, here we are, in the middle of thousands of people cheering on their team. Fans from winning teams showed frenzied signs of happiness. They waved flags, sang songs and danced the night away. What were the Belgian fans doing? Complaining that our team won by only 3-0. Winning wasn't good enough, our Red Devils had to crush the competition with at least 274-0, that seems to be the general idea here. I guess we just have to face it, Belgians can't be happy. Our natural emotion is disappointment, which is pretty easy because when we're not disappointed we can be disappointed for not being disappointed. If you want more goals, go watch handball.

Imagine having a Fqemtfoiesqrgtuknbsdeftgbson as dentist. Your teeth will behave, that's for damn sure. Somewhere in 2018 the UEFA Nations League will kick off and our Belgian Red Devils have to go up against these Icelanders. Our defenders will probably have no choice but to open the sluices again, like we did against the Germans a few decannia back. We'll also have to face Switzerland, who saw all our secret accounts and document shipped to Panama. Oh history, you funny.

I'll end this thing with a word on the VAR, the "assistant video referee". I love it when they introduce things into sports that will undoubtedly cause more discussion and confusion. I want every sport to be as confusing as possible. The VAR has become such a nice comic relief to the whole thing. Of course, being pissed on illegally brewed Russian vodka, the VAR only works before and after the game. Gotta love that.

The VAR never really worked in Belgium, which isn't surprising since nothing really works here. In Russia they have a very complex network of cables, satellite-dishes, wi-fi, bluetooth and whatnot to make sure that every clear error is punished. But, in the end, it might just be better to use one extra referee who can look at the match from a different angle. That would be cheaper. It still wouldn't work but the FIFA could save some money, no? 

Oh, that's true, a mumble rapper died. Boy, did he pick a bad moment to be shot now that all attention is on the World Cup. Just proves that mumble rappers are dumb.

See you soon


Rik

When I was a young boy, I used to watch football matches on television with my father. My mother didn't like the game so she did some crossword puzzles or play Tetris on an LCD gaming device. Later, since my father worked in an electronics factory, we bought another television so my mother could watch her soap series while my father and I cheered on the Red Devils. I think those were the few moments when I felt truly at ease, at home. 

In a tiny room in a tiny house in Brazil, a seven year old boy is watching his heroes play against Switzerland. He watches it on an old television, probably a model from the early eighties. In those days things were made to last. The television is standing on a plastic picnic table. There is nothing else in the room, just the boy, the table and his ancient television. He is happy because Brazil has scored. He won't be this happy until they score again.

The man writes that those footballers are overpaid morons who run after a ball, only to kick it away again. He presses "publish" and takes on more sip from his wine. Then he decides to go to the movies, to watch overpaid morons pretending to be somebody else. Later that year, that same man will appear in a wooden cubicle to vote for overpaid morons who will only attempt to divide and enslave their subjects even more. 

I can't help but think about that little boy in Brazil. That boy has one goal in life, become an athlete and be rich. It reminds me of another story (read) of a boy that wanted to become an athlete, coincidentally a football player. He was born in absolute poverty. His lunch was bread and milk, every single day. One day he came home from school and saw his mother dilute the milk with tap water. They no longer could afford the milk. That day, the boy made a promise to his mother. He promised that everything was going to be fine. He started training. Later, his grandfather begged him to take care of his daughter, the boy's mother. Once again, the boy promised to fight. Only a few days later his grandfather passed away.

I'll tell you a little secret, I really enjoyed Robbie Williams' performance at the opening ceremony, especially the 'Angel' duet with Aida Garifullina. What a perfect name for a soprano by the way and what a beautiful and talented lady that Aida is.  Williams is an excellent entertainer and with that done-before middle finger he tried to prove to the world that he is still some kind of enfant terrible. Was it against the Russian's treatment of gay people? Was it against the billion dollar industry that football has become? Was it against his fans who are mostly a bunch of overpaid morons? I don't know. I think it was just Robbie being Robbie. And as far as the enfant terrible thing is concerned, we Belgians have Nainggolan, a guy I like more and more each day. Here in Belgium, the non-selection of Radja was a huge thing but Radja, although clearly "bitten in his ass", takes it with a neat dose of humor. 

The Saudis weren't good, but neither were the Germans, the Brazilians or the Argentinians. Although, we have to give Argentina the benefit of the doubt because they were battling the Icelandic vikings, the only nation that as one man stands behind their team. More than 95 percent of the Icelandic population watched the match. That must be an absolute record and a baffling number, considering the fact that Iceland is not a football nation, yet. Given time Iceland will undoubtedly dominate. Do you know why? I'll tell you why. The Icelanders don't care about anything but Iceland. They support their own. They know what the word "United" means. For Icelandic people, uniting is not a vague concept like "Metalheads Unite" or "Fortnite Fans Unite". On this side of the world, the word "unite" is only used to divide people into little groups of people who hate everything about all the other little groups. In Iceland, being united means being one, fighting for each other and turning all faces into the same direction, which I assure you is not Donald Trump's stupid antics. 

So is it such a bad thing that for once these people can cheer a little after their team beat Germany? That should not be surprise, that should be heartwarming. According to some sources, the many happily jumping people caused a little earthquake in the area around Mexico City but that is not true. It was possibly just a real earthquake somewhere in the neighbourhood, caused by tectonic activity. But for once, let's just believe the happy story that people can actually cause earthquakes. I mean, we love that kind of stories. We tell them to our kids and then tell them that lying is bad. When those kids finally discover that the Easter Bunny isn't real, we make up another story to regress their anger and when they see through that lie we tell them to shut up and find a job. And you wonder why your adolescent doesn't really like you.

I found it increasingly difficult to understand people's hate, fear and anger towards either talented or hard working people. True, some people have it easier than others but is that a reason to empty your gallbladder all over your facebook page? I don't like Justin Bieber either but there must be a reason why she is so immensely popular. Eighty percent of the world population being absolute nitwits can be such a reason but so is being picked up by pedophile artist agents and having massive wallets shoved in your face.

Anyway, back to football. I really wonder why I have not seen a meme about steroids and performance enhancing drugs after Russia beat Saudi Arabia. Why is that? Has everyone forgotten the gargantuan Russian doping scandal in the Olympics? Am I now under electronic surveillance because I mention this? Is Putin now spying on me for being the only journalist who dares mention this stuff? I guess nobody thought of this because of the cringeworthy appearance by the Saudis. Is the Saudi team still alive or am I stirring in another dangerous pot here? 

I also really dig the drama around the whole World Cup. The Mexican team hanging out with prostitutes for example. Athletes and hookers have always been an entertaining match, just like athletes and cocaine, right Maradona? See, the world of football is just like the real world: whores, drugs, parties, the more the merrier and the richer the better.

I just don't understand the group sex thing. I already puke when I think about showering with other men, something footballers do seem to enjoy, but having sex with somebody in a pool while your teammates are in the same pool, having sex with the same women? That feels very Skull & Bones to me. Those weren't orgies, those were secret society initiation rites. Whenever a guy debuts with the Belgian Red Devils, he has to sing a song in front of the group. I think in some countries, I'm not going to mention which ones because I don't want to die, teammates have to jerk off together as some sort of sick teambuilding thing. Groupwanking can turn people into presidents so I'm sure it can also cause a big win against another football team but still, yuck.

I'll move to saver havens with Spain - Portugal. That was by far the most entertaining match so far. Ronaldo might be an absolute ass but he scored a hattrick and thus saved one important point for his nation. I, as a Belgian, still hope Lukaku will outdo Ronaldo. Actually, I would like to see a UFC match between Lukaku and Ronaldo. That would probably be even more entertaining that this World Cup, a cage fight between two successful strikers. I don't like mixed martial arts. I'm one of those sissies who prefer professional wrestling but that is one match I would definitely watch, or even better, Lukaku versus Neymar. 

I found the World Cup so far extremely entertaining. There have been a few good matches, some surprising results, a bit of laughter with people's last names and a dash of hilarity when the mosquitos attacked the English team. There were facepalms too, like when Roberto Martinez complained about the length of the grass and the ninety minutes Neymar spent inspecting that length. I also enjoyed the Swiss players' grin whenever they looked at the little troll rolling and crying and whining and complaining. I think my advice in this article is clear. Don't roll and cry and whine and complain. 

Don't be a Neymar.


Rik