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William Regal
After multiple demands, power slams and clothes lines, we were finally able to ask columnist Rik about his weird fascination with professional wrestling. Every Monday and Tuesday night (and occasionally other days too), Rik hides in his man-cave and watches those half naked men fake-fighting each other. He claims it's fun and he has been doing that since the eighties. So why not give this wrestling fan and sit-down comedian a spot on our little website?
Did you ever encounter a wrestling fan who was really, really, really surprised when you told him that wrestling is fake? Did a conversation about professional wrestling - or "sports entertainment" - ever go like this?
-Oh man, Wrestlemania was awesome!
-Wrestlemania? Really dude?
-Yeah, Goldberg kicked Lesnar's ass. That was so cool!
-You know that wrestling is fake, right?
-What? No, can't be.
-Yeah, it is. The matches are predetermined.
-Predewhat?
-Predetermined, they know who is going to win before the match even starts.
-No, it's not.
-Yeah, it is.
-No, it's not. Hulk Hogan and André and John Cena and Undertaker.
-All fake.
-Nooo, there go all my hopes and dreams!
Nope, that is not the way those conversations usually go, do they? Usually, the scenario is something like this:
-Oh man, Wrestlemania was awesome!
-Wrestlemania? Really dude?
-Yeah, Goldberg kicked Lesnar's ass. That was so cool!
-You know that wrestling is fake, right?
-Yeah, so are your mom's boobs but I'd still do her.
Wrestling is one of the most ridiculous things on this planet, apart maybe for peeled and rewrapped eggs. The crazy thing is, both fans ànd haters are aware of the nonsensical phenomenon that pro-wrestling really is. We all know that, somewhere in an ivory tower, Vincent Kennedy McMahon pulls the strings of the entire industry. He decides who wins, who loses, who gets into the spotlight and who will forever fade away in the indies. But even Vince can't control our minds so we all have a different opinion about his trade. I've had and heard several of those useless discussions over the years. I discovered that in each one of them, the anti-fan is the most annoying of the two, stating the obvious as if it were an epiphany. As if he finally understands the meaning of life.
On the other hand. The die-hard wrestling fans usually don't add a lot of deep thoughts into the discussion either. Most WWE-Universe members won't find much more arguments than "yeah, but I still think it's cool", or "everything you're watching is fake too". And they are damn right about that. There is no reality in reality-tv, just like there's no reality in the news. Reality is something different. Reality is the reason why you are reading this column instead of getting drunk with some bimbo on a tropical island in front of fifty cameras, recording your pathetic romantic moves and showing them to the world (Yes, that is a Temptation Island reference, that show is soooo real).
Reality is: waking up, stuffing junk down your throat, doing your very best to make someone else rich and trying to get enough sleep to be able do it all again tomorrow. Somewhere in between, you are allowed to find something to entertain you. For some of us - millions apparently - that something is wrestling.
Did you ever encounter a wrestling fan who was really, really, really surprised when you told him that wrestling is fake? Did a conversation about professional wrestling - or "sports entertainment" - ever go like this?
-Oh man, Wrestlemania was awesome!
-Wrestlemania? Really dude?
-Yeah, Goldberg kicked Lesnar's ass. That was so cool!
-You know that wrestling is fake, right?
-What? No, can't be.
-Yeah, it is. The matches are predetermined.
-Predewhat?
-Predetermined, they know who is going to win before the match even starts.
-No, it's not.
-Yeah, it is.
-No, it's not. Hulk Hogan and André and John Cena and Undertaker.
-All fake.
-Nooo, there go all my hopes and dreams!
Nope, that is not the way those conversations usually go, do they? Usually, the scenario is something like this:
-Oh man, Wrestlemania was awesome!
-Wrestlemania? Really dude?
-Yeah, Goldberg kicked Lesnar's ass. That was so cool!
-You know that wrestling is fake, right?
-Yeah, so are your mom's boobs but I'd still do her.
Wrestling is one of the most ridiculous things on this planet, apart maybe for peeled and rewrapped eggs. The crazy thing is, both fans ànd haters are aware of the nonsensical phenomenon that pro-wrestling really is. We all know that, somewhere in an ivory tower, Vincent Kennedy McMahon pulls the strings of the entire industry. He decides who wins, who loses, who gets into the spotlight and who will forever fade away in the indies. But even Vince can't control our minds so we all have a different opinion about his trade. I've had and heard several of those useless discussions over the years. I discovered that in each one of them, the anti-fan is the most annoying of the two, stating the obvious as if it were an epiphany. As if he finally understands the meaning of life.
On the other hand. The die-hard wrestling fans usually don't add a lot of deep thoughts into the discussion either. Most WWE-Universe members won't find much more arguments than "yeah, but I still think it's cool", or "everything you're watching is fake too". And they are damn right about that. There is no reality in reality-tv, just like there's no reality in the news. Reality is something different. Reality is the reason why you are reading this column instead of getting drunk with some bimbo on a tropical island in front of fifty cameras, recording your pathetic romantic moves and showing them to the world (Yes, that is a Temptation Island reference, that show is soooo real).
Reality is: waking up, stuffing junk down your throat, doing your very best to make someone else rich and trying to get enough sleep to be able do it all again tomorrow. Somewhere in between, you are allowed to find something to entertain you. For some of us - millions apparently - that something is wrestling.
Randy Savage, Miss Elizabeth & Hulk Hogan
Wikipedia says "Professional wrestling is a dramatized athletic performance inspired by competitive combat sports" and everybody knows that. Originating as a popular form of entertainment in 19th-century Europe and later as a sideshow exhibition in North American traveling carnivals and vaudeville halls, professional wrestling grew into a standalone genre of entertainment. Today, its popularity is mainly due to Vince McMahon and his business intelligence.
In short: Vince's dad had a wrestling promotion. Vince had money. Vince threw that money into a special called Wrestlemania. Vince now has more money. Without Vince, someone else would have tried, Paul Heyman probably, but aside from that, millions of people are being entertained by Vince's ingenuity several times a week. So I think Vince deserves his picture below this sentence.
In short: Vince's dad had a wrestling promotion. Vince had money. Vince threw that money into a special called Wrestlemania. Vince now has more money. Without Vince, someone else would have tried, Paul Heyman probably, but aside from that, millions of people are being entertained by Vince's ingenuity several times a week. So I think Vince deserves his picture below this sentence.
Good guy Vince McMahon now runs a multi-million dollars company. He's good friends with Donald Trump too, which somehow draws parallels between wrestling and politics. It's all fake. It's all predetermined and it's all been choreographed. None of it makes any sense, but at least McMahon turns it into an enjoyable show.
I think for most Europeans wrestling is a guilty pleasure. I've been watching it since I was a little kid. I witnessed the wars between WWE & WCW, I've seen TNA try, I've seen the demise of ECW. I've enjoyed ROH and NJPW. Many Europeans secretly watch wrestling, but just like with their porn, they hide it from the outside world. Here, the form of entertainment is something for local sports halls and fairs.
So yes, when Serge put me in that sleeper-hold and demanded a series about wrestling, I quickly gave in. From now on, I'll be writing about all things wrestling. I'll tear it down to the bone, laugh with it, adore it, criticise it and respect it. There will be specials. There will be reviews. I'll call the series 'Rik's Rassling Ramblings' because: A: I always pronounce "wrestling" that way, B: these kinds of alliterations work in 'Suske & Wiske' so they will work here too and C: as a tribute to this legendary scene with Shelton Benjamin, Trish Stratus and the master of ceremonies himself, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
So yes, when Serge put me in that sleeper-hold and demanded a series about wrestling, I quickly gave in. From now on, I'll be writing about all things wrestling. I'll tear it down to the bone, laugh with it, adore it, criticise it and respect it. There will be specials. There will be reviews. I'll call the series 'Rik's Rassling Ramblings' because: A: I always pronounce "wrestling" that way, B: these kinds of alliterations work in 'Suske & Wiske' so they will work here too and C: as a tribute to this legendary scene with Shelton Benjamin, Trish Stratus and the master of ceremonies himself, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
Rik Stalknecht
p.s.
For those who want an answer to the question 'How many wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb', the answer is; doesn't matter, it will be a spectacle anyhow.
p.s.
For those who want an answer to the question 'How many wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb', the answer is; doesn't matter, it will be a spectacle anyhow.
