Rik Stalknecht's ridiculously long titled gardening and nature appreciation blog, part 2

Hey all.

I have been spending another six hours in my little garden today and it has been another wild adventure. So here I am again, writing another blog about clearing weeds, digging grounds and scratching myself to death. 

Not a lot has changed since my previous blog but I sure learned a thing or two, mostly about myself, but also about the insects that live on our piece of land. They are hostile little assholes but I guess they were just defending their nest.

I had a rough night with only a few hours of decent sleep. I felt annoyed, sleepy and irritable. Yet, somehow, after a few cups of pitch black coffee, I realized that it would probably be best to just skip all other plans and start gardening early. That would certainly be better than getting annoyed by useless advice by useless people in useless facebook groups. This morning I saw someone promoting a book on "how to overcome your masturbation addiction with the help of Jesus". Obviously, I read the first few pages. Void of capital letters, punctuation marks or spaces between paragraphs, it was technically as horrible to read as the content itself. Apparently, if you lay your dick in the hands of a Mexican named Jesus, it's not longer masturbation. In that case, it's gay and we all know God is ok with that. Or, if He's not, that author will probably release a sequel soon, "How to overcome your gay addiction with the help of God" and earn another three dollars.

The garden was empty, all of them were. Perhaps most of the gardeners were still sleeping or just not keen on hard work during the Ramadan. The first person I saw was a drunk throwing the bottles from the day before in a glass container. I took the necessary equipment from the shed and started clearing the weeds. It was easy at first, working my way around the raspberry bush. But when I reached the part with grass, things got a bit nastier. Grass is a bitch, especially its roots, but eventually I bulldozed my way through that obstacle as well. Like last time I hacked and bashed and smashed my way through countless of green things. The sun was burning my skin and the sweat was rolling over my face. One liter of coffee and one liter of Aquarius kept me going until nature decided it was time for revenge.

While hacking my way through the weeds, I apparently disturbed a sandbees' nest. Suddenly there were bees everywhere, seemingly inspecting what had become of their habitat. One of them got stuck in my shoe and stung me, which apparently told other bees that I was the culprit here. I saw them roaming around, munching on the little white flowers. Once in a while, one of them would fly up to me to tell me to get lost. I offered a truce. I was even prepared to negotiate about giving them a piece of land on the other side of our parcel. But they wouldn't listen so after a few minutes I decided to give them some time off. 

I left ground zero and sat down on one of the chairs to inspect my foot. It was already swelling, itching and stinging. I put a bottle of cold water on the hump, which was uncomfortable in more ways than you can imagine so I tried to forget about the hole thing and put a cigarette in my mouth. I looked at my arms, they were covered in sweat. My back started to itch, so did my legs and my buttocks. What the hell was going on here? Did more than one bee sting me? Had other insects decided to join in on the human flesh buffet? Luckily, I had my little towel, my trusted piece of rough wiping cloth. I scratched the sweat away and got back to work.

I dug a first trench and then a second one. Then I took a scratching break. I noticed more bumps and immediately a bunch of curse words appeared in my head. Another cigarette followed, and another bottle of Aquarius. Then it struck me: allergy. Here comes a fun story, I'm allergic to my own sweat during hot temperatures. At times like these, I wish I was just allergic to gluten so I could just be an annoying ass about it. But my own sweat? How fucking lazy does that sound. "No, I can't help you today, it's too warm outside and I'm allergic to my own sweat". Ok, I AM lazy but this just sounds like a lame excuse. 

All that made me decide to call it quits and return later. By now, my ankle was imitating the Chinese flag. There were little bumps appearing all over my skin. I urgently needed a shower and a tube of Calmiderm. Now, a few hours after the shower and the lotion rubbing, things are getting better but believe me, the last two hours have been awful.

A year or two ago I had a conversation about this condition with my doctor. She told me that treating it would be possible but it would consist of smearing expensive lotions on my skin and probably getting some anti-allergy injections. Is that worth it? I don't think so. Yet, is it worth having a garden when the work can cause this kind of inconvenience? Well, I guess the best way to cope with is is to learn from it. The things with the bees was unfortunate and being allergic to myself is a nuisance but I guess I could have known. I'm allergic to most people. That's probably why I hate having sweaty bodies around me at concerts. That's probably why I dislike the gym. I am literally allergic to people on hot days. I'm going to use that, maybe I can get my doctor to write me a note about it. 

Well, I noticed that this blog is not very funny but how would you feel when your whole skin is tickling and burning? There is little else to write. Watering the few plants I have already put in the ground is not that exciting. Although, I have to say, the pumpkin and the tomatoes are doing quite well and I did find an almost perfect potato when I was digging trench three. I'm going to write an eviction notice for the sandbees now. I want those morons off my property and on another part of my property. Because in the end, I think we can be friends. I made them a peace offer by sowing wild, native flowers in what I call the "flower garden". Let them have their orgies there and not on my foot.

Well, see you next time. There are still plenty of gardening adventures to come...



​Rik