Rik Watches the World Cup, Part Human

Nothing is more enjoyable for a writer than misbehaving celebrities. So in this week's column about the FIFA World Cup we'll be talking about middle fingers, butthurt twats and the match people predict to be the most boring football game in the history of FIFA. We'll be saying farewell to some brave nations and look forward to the next rounds.

But first, let's talk about chickens. Did you know that fans are not allowed to bring live chickens into the stadiums? Apparently, some years ago Nigerian fans brought the animals with them as some sort of good luck charm. They sprayed them green and white to support their team. I guess they had a neat little barbeque after their team got kicked out of the cup. "Can't have a trophy but we have chicken nuggets, which is also nice", that kind of thing. I don't really like the rule. There are already so many things people cannot bring with them. One Australian guy brought an inflatable kangaroo and heaps of girls brought inflatable boobs but there have been way too few weird items in the audience, apart from Maradona's cocaine, obviously. We'll get to El Higho later in this article. For now, let's hope the fans will bring more funny stuff to the stadiums, like ostriches, rainbows or suicidal mumble rappers.

Now let's see who wins this week's award for "cunt of the week". This one is not going to be easy but perhaps these two Swiss attackers deserve a nomination. That hand gesture apparently offends the other nominees: the Serbian fans. The gesture symbolizes the Albanian eagle. Now, you wonder what Albania has to do with all this?

Well, this is where the World Cup becomes more intriguing than 'The Bold And The Beautiful'. Serbia and Albania have never been friends. In fact, there has been bad blood between the two since the beginning of time. They have been massacring, slaughtering and butchering each other for centuries. The entire Balkan area is completely messed up. There have also  been the Yugoslav Wars and Kosovo War to add fuel to the fire. 

All that bad blood reflects on and near the football fields. Granit Xhaka and Xherdan Shaqiri play for Switzerland but they both have roots in Kosovo and Albania. During the match they received racist remarks from Serbian fans, which apparently was a reaction to Xhaka and Shaqiri mentioning the troubled relationships between the countries in interviews. The footballers celebrated their goals with the Albanian eagle, which was a huge bite in the butt for the Serbians. Eventually, both players have been fined by the FIFA for this gesture, claiming politics don't belong in football.

Political butthurt should not be a part of the World Cup but since we're merely humans, it's there. "We're not getting a penalty because we're African". "The VAR ignores us because we're Muslims". "Ronaldo and Messi can do anything they like and not be reprimanded". "Whéééé whéééé whéééé." Every little error is played out to be racist, political, offensive, religious or degenerating. Meanwhile, the gays wonder what the hell is going on. Now they feel ignored.

It's true. I haven't heard a gay joke in weeks. I also haven't heard or seen any gay or anti-gay propaganda, apart from the two homosexuals getting kicked out of a nightclub. Is everybody so afraid of Russia these days? I have been waiting for an intimate lesbian or gay kiss on camera for weeks. Someone's got to have the balls to shove his or her sexuality in Putin's face, no? Did everybody forget what Pussy Riot has been fighting for? If you have to get all political and shit while having scored expensive tickets for a football match, you might as well make a nutcracker of a statement, right? I've seen a Muslim girl take of her headscarf during a match. To me she is now the bravest person in Russia. I'm sure the LBGTZFGHEZEFRTYHERGRYUHERFAZCZRGHRTHGZECDGTFRYHRTHGZEFZAEFEDTG cummunity can do better. Ride a dildo to the stadium or something like that, for crying out loud.

Four years ago it were the referees, this time the VAR is the most discussed item on and near the battlefields. But imagine being put into a job that doesn't exist yet. They put you in there, give you a bunch of tasks and count on you to observe everything correctly. There is no predecessor to ask for advice. There is no real chief in staff, just another guy who has no idea what he's doing.

That is pretty much what the VAR is about. The FIFA invited some guys who weren't good enough to be referee to sit in a room and either shut up or overrule the people who are good enough to be a referee. It's like having a porn company run by virgins. So be patient. Within a couple of years, the FIFA will have invented a VAR overruling entity, with more guys who are mostly there because people simply can't stop complaining about everything. In fact, the VAR is only there because you don't trust the referees. So it's your own fault.

Diego doubled Robbie's middlefinger. I hope Robbie isn't too pissed off about that. That match between Nigeria and Argentina was exciting but the real show happened in the VIP area. Maradona's neck hurt and he had two glasses of wine but to 99.98% of the viewing population he was completely wasted on cocaine.

I think he was pissed off because Nigerians couldn't bring live chickens into the stadium. From the looks of it, Maradona likes the taste of fried chicken, certainly with a few lines of white... sorry, glasses of white wine. Besides, people are hugely misinformed. Maradona was not making "fuck you" gestures. He was signaling the score in Iceland - Croatia at that time. Croatia scored again but before Maradona could make both a fuck you gesture and the devil's horns, he passed out, drunk on two glasses of white Russian wine. White. Russian. Wine.

Plenty of people say that Denmark versus France was the most boring match on this World Cup so far. Others speculate that England versus Belgium will even top that. Already dubbed "the most boring match ever", this one will definitely be one for the ages. Why you'd better take a nap during this match? Well, let me explain.

It's all a lot of rubbish mumbo-jumbo nonsense to make the air vibrate and have something to talk about. They're both first in their group with Belgium being second first because of one more yellow card. Now it seems that the second in the group will have an easier route to the final. Let's read that again: To. The. Final. Yes, because the tradition is that both teams will always reach that final. As if it matters anything what the route to the final is. Although, with Germany being eliminated by South Korea, chances for both teams seem to improve. 

We have the Premier League going up against the best players of the Premier League. That is one of the most exciting competitions in football. It makes Belgian professional football look like an episode of Samson & Gert. So now, finally, after ninety six billion centuries, Belgians can prove that they're better than the English. No buddy, our team is not going to play to lose, even if that means a rougher route to the finale. Do you think the fans will accept that? Thousands of flags, shirts, hats, phone covers and other environmentally endangering merchandise would be burned in the streets if Belgium would play to lose. Plus, we'd make Nainggolan our only Red Devil for Euro 2020.

You know, those guys from Manchester City, guys like ​Kyle Walker, Vincent Kompany, Kevin De Bruyne and Raheem Sterling. They probably have a Whatsapp group with their club. They're probably sending messages right now. What do you think they're sending one another? Do you think they're trash-talking? Teasing each other? Begging?

Kevin: Hey @Walker, better start building a wall so I can kick underneath it.
Walker: @Kevin, well, Courtois is used to picking balls out of his goal when you're on the pitch. We'll make him bend over like a Kardashian.
Kevin: Haha, fat chance, we got Romelu. He knows how to catch a long ball and do something useful with it.
Walker: Hah, we got Kane. He'll destroy you.
Kevin: Kane? We'll lock him up in Fellaini's hair.
Kyle: It'll be like playing Chelsea again, but with Tottenham's defense. Can't be that hard.
Raheem: I passed Alderweireld before, I can do it again.
Kevin: @Raheem, that's the only pass you'll ever succeed in.
Vincent: Come on guys, take it easy before someone gets hurt.

While I'm writing this, I'm watching Germany being in big trouble against South Korea while Sweden is munching tacos like madmen. Germany is unleashing attack after attack but the Asians stand strong. I see the fans and I can feel their emotions. People are actually wetting themselves, I'm damn sure of that. Nowhere else in sports do emotions run so rampantly, so it seems. I see tears, fear, laughter. I see so much energy coming off those stands you can easily electrify a small country with it. At this moment into this article, South Korea have scored, thus sending the Germans back home. So it's "Tschüs" for the reigning, no longer defending world championship. Before the match, their coach, Löw, said that if they would lose, they'd had to smell his fingers. This is pure horror for Germany, but not for the rest of the world. Suddenly everybody's chances have hugely improved, also because most of the other title candidates aren't top level at the moment.

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So what is yet to come? We have had a pretty surprising and interesting World Cup so far. Son Heung-Min probably doesn't need to go to the army. Although, I do think Son should send some Korean fans as a thank you to Manuel Neuer. 
Right, I'm going to eat a pizza and watch some more people getting butthurt in group E. I really hope they do bunnies instead of eagles this time so nobody should get offended...

​Rik