Perhaps I should first point out how this column became a reality in the first place. Earlier today a song by the number one on this list suddenly appeared on a compilation I was listening to. I asked myself "why the hell were they even popular?" and before I knew it, a bunch other bands popped up in my head. Now, for the record, I'm (mostly) not talking about how bad their music is. Some bands on this list often appear in my playlists but there are always acts on those playlists that deserve a lot better than the ten listed below.
Of course, there's a lot of music not worth mentioning. No, I don't understand why R. Kelly, Kayne West or Beyoncé are famous but I actually never encounter them because I stay the hell away from wherever they are, and most of their collegues (in the 'commercial' genres) for that matter. What I'm talking about is talent, or the lack thereof. I'm talking about bands that hopelessly try to remain relevant by vomiting the same song again and again, or by leeching off their old hits, or other people's old hits.
The ten bands listed below are just the first ten that came to mind. The ones mentioned above and bands like Triggerfinger (overrated), Das Ich (outdated), VNV Nation (boom boom boom boom, I want you in my dark room) and Manowar or Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio (both nothing but image) could easily be added to the list. However, I already wrote 'ten' in the title so I'm going to keep to that.
Of course, there's a lot of music not worth mentioning. No, I don't understand why R. Kelly, Kayne West or Beyoncé are famous but I actually never encounter them because I stay the hell away from wherever they are, and most of their collegues (in the 'commercial' genres) for that matter. What I'm talking about is talent, or the lack thereof. I'm talking about bands that hopelessly try to remain relevant by vomiting the same song again and again, or by leeching off their old hits, or other people's old hits.
The ten bands listed below are just the first ten that came to mind. The ones mentioned above and bands like Triggerfinger (overrated), Das Ich (outdated), VNV Nation (boom boom boom boom, I want you in my dark room) and Manowar or Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio (both nothing but image) could easily be added to the list. However, I already wrote 'ten' in the title so I'm going to keep to that.
1. B52's
I know, B52's aren't really successful anymore but they are the reason why I had to write this article. I was listening to a 'New Wave Club Classix' cd when their seven minutes of pure ennui, 'Rock Lobster', started playing. This must be one of the worst songs ever on the whole 'New Wave Club Classix' series and so would be their other hits, 'Love Shack' and that horrible Flintstones thing. At least 'Rock Lobster' got funny again when Family Guy parodied it.
I know, B52's aren't really successful anymore but they are the reason why I had to write this article. I was listening to a 'New Wave Club Classix' cd when their seven minutes of pure ennui, 'Rock Lobster', started playing. This must be one of the worst songs ever on the whole 'New Wave Club Classix' series and so would be their other hits, 'Love Shack' and that horrible Flintstones thing. At least 'Rock Lobster' got funny again when Family Guy parodied it.
2. U2
Once, U2 was the pinnacle of music. Their new wave era was great, although even then many bands were actually better. The last decent song they made was 'Numb' and since then they have been compensating musical mediocracy with technically stunning live shows. It's a bit like professional wrestling, the show has become way more important than the music. The discussion about Bono being an absolute cunt or not doesn't even interest me. Cunts can make good music too, right Lars Ulrich?
Once, U2 was the pinnacle of music. Their new wave era was great, although even then many bands were actually better. The last decent song they made was 'Numb' and since then they have been compensating musical mediocracy with technically stunning live shows. It's a bit like professional wrestling, the show has become way more important than the music. The discussion about Bono being an absolute cunt or not doesn't even interest me. Cunts can make good music too, right Lars Ulrich?
3. Coldplay
Coldplay is the Whitney Houston of the alternative rock industry, period. Once again there's a band with a lot more show elements than musical ability. Just like Oasis several years ago, Coldplay seems to write the same song over and over again, solely focusing on cheap emotions. Here too, I don't care what kind of personality Chris Martin has, his music is just awful - still better than the Belgian Coldplay, named Novastar, but still, awful.
Coldplay is the Whitney Houston of the alternative rock industry, period. Once again there's a band with a lot more show elements than musical ability. Just like Oasis several years ago, Coldplay seems to write the same song over and over again, solely focusing on cheap emotions. Here too, I don't care what kind of personality Chris Martin has, his music is just awful - still better than the Belgian Coldplay, named Novastar, but still, awful.
4. Electric Wizard
I hope I don't get death threats with this one but apart from decent doom metal, weed worshipping and showing titties, what does Electric Wizard have that other bands don't? I've seen them live a few times, and each time the support acts were way better. Don't get me wrong, I often enjoy their music but there's way better to be found in the world of doom. If you want weed, check out Bongzilla or Dopethrone. If you want witchcraft, you need Bathsheba or Jex Thoth. And if you want titties, go to Pornhub.
I hope I don't get death threats with this one but apart from decent doom metal, weed worshipping and showing titties, what does Electric Wizard have that other bands don't? I've seen them live a few times, and each time the support acts were way better. Don't get me wrong, I often enjoy their music but there's way better to be found in the world of doom. If you want weed, check out Bongzilla or Dopethrone. If you want witchcraft, you need Bathsheba or Jex Thoth. And if you want titties, go to Pornhub.
5. The Ocean
Here's another one of those bands, or one-man projects with personnel, who seem to have quite a reputation. I actually overheard conversations about Robin Staps being a bit of an asshole but I don't really care about that. The music just isn't that good when you think of it. Much like Electric Wizard, ever since The Ocean became a headliner in a genre, many bands have stood up who are way better. Just check out acts like Hemelbestormer or A Place To Bury Strangers or hold on to Isis, Neurosis and Cult Of Luna.
Here's another one of those bands, or one-man projects with personnel, who seem to have quite a reputation. I actually overheard conversations about Robin Staps being a bit of an asshole but I don't really care about that. The music just isn't that good when you think of it. Much like Electric Wizard, ever since The Ocean became a headliner in a genre, many bands have stood up who are way better. Just check out acts like Hemelbestormer or A Place To Bury Strangers or hold on to Isis, Neurosis and Cult Of Luna.
6. Sigur Ros
While many post-rock bands evolve, adapt new ideas and keep instrumental music interesting, Sigur Ros has always remained a bit of a Cocteau Twins/Slowdive clone with a highly irritating voice. Musically it's all fine but helium-addict Jónsi needs to keep his mouth shut. This actually reminds me of Nightwish playing decent metal but ruining the whole with the listen-to-me ego of Tarja. So instead of ruminating the same old melodramatic arty-farty hipster crap, try something new, The End Of The Ocean for instance. Yes, that is a band, not a hint for The Ocean.
While many post-rock bands evolve, adapt new ideas and keep instrumental music interesting, Sigur Ros has always remained a bit of a Cocteau Twins/Slowdive clone with a highly irritating voice. Musically it's all fine but helium-addict Jónsi needs to keep his mouth shut. This actually reminds me of Nightwish playing decent metal but ruining the whole with the listen-to-me ego of Tarja. So instead of ruminating the same old melodramatic arty-farty hipster crap, try something new, The End Of The Ocean for instance. Yes, that is a band, not a hint for The Ocean.
7. Die Antwoord
Die Antwoord is all about ugliness, grittiness and anarchy, much like The Prodigy and Atari Teenage Riot have been doing for ages with different kinds of electronic music. That's what's wrong with Die Antwoord: most of their songs are cheap rip-offs from modern electronic dance music (especially industrial and hardcore techno), dressed in something with some shock value for the sheeple. This act literally has nothing to add to the music industry. Oh, and Grace Jones was a lot uglier but she still knew how to make decent music.
Die Antwoord is all about ugliness, grittiness and anarchy, much like The Prodigy and Atari Teenage Riot have been doing for ages with different kinds of electronic music. That's what's wrong with Die Antwoord: most of their songs are cheap rip-offs from modern electronic dance music (especially industrial and hardcore techno), dressed in something with some shock value for the sheeple. This act literally has nothing to add to the music industry. Oh, and Grace Jones was a lot uglier but she still knew how to make decent music.
8. Nickelback
This is probably the only band that isn't really a surprise on this list. Nickelback is the Simply Red of the alternative industry, with one exception, Simply Red has talent. Ever since they have become popular, Nickelback has been barking out horrible songs with the same recipe, blatantly stolen from grunge bands. They're one of the most hated bands on earth, and unlike the other hated bands, there are some good reasons for that. Apart from the terrible music, I think many male (and obviously some female) rock fans would like to fuck Avril Lavigne but that Nickelback-cunt took that dream away from us.
This is probably the only band that isn't really a surprise on this list. Nickelback is the Simply Red of the alternative industry, with one exception, Simply Red has talent. Ever since they have become popular, Nickelback has been barking out horrible songs with the same recipe, blatantly stolen from grunge bands. They're one of the most hated bands on earth, and unlike the other hated bands, there are some good reasons for that. Apart from the terrible music, I think many male (and obviously some female) rock fans would like to fuck Avril Lavigne but that Nickelback-cunt took that dream away from us.
9. Amy Winehouse
Yes yes, about the dead nothing but good, I know. But I really, really, really don't understand why a drugged out post-hippie should be a musical role model for many people. "But she is singing about problems, frustrations, this horrible world and such". Perhaps, but the girl was no eye opener, her songs were nothing new. Besides, if you want real songs about real problems, maybe Billie Holiday or Edith Piaf are your thing. It was just drugs, same reason why The Doors, Nirvana and the Rolling Stones became popular. Unfortunately, if Amy Winehouse would have been sober all the time, she would have been an Adele-kind of singer, popular but hated.
Yes yes, about the dead nothing but good, I know. But I really, really, really don't understand why a drugged out post-hippie should be a musical role model for many people. "But she is singing about problems, frustrations, this horrible world and such". Perhaps, but the girl was no eye opener, her songs were nothing new. Besides, if you want real songs about real problems, maybe Billie Holiday or Edith Piaf are your thing. It was just drugs, same reason why The Doors, Nirvana and the Rolling Stones became popular. Unfortunately, if Amy Winehouse would have been sober all the time, she would have been an Adele-kind of singer, popular but hated.
10. Spin Doctors
Many bands score massive hits with their worst songs, 'Under The Brigde' by Red Hot Chili Peppers for example. But what if your worst song is actually your best song, the only one people actually remember? What if that one song gets you a lot of gigs but nobody gives a damn about the rest of your setlist? And when you finally play that one song, people are already sick and tired of you? Well, that's the story of 'Two Princes' by Spin Doctors. I've seen them live, I do not recommend it.
Many bands score massive hits with their worst songs, 'Under The Brigde' by Red Hot Chili Peppers for example. But what if your worst song is actually your best song, the only one people actually remember? What if that one song gets you a lot of gigs but nobody gives a damn about the rest of your setlist? And when you finally play that one song, people are already sick and tired of you? Well, that's the story of 'Two Princes' by Spin Doctors. I've seen them live, I do not recommend it.
Rik
